Being Good and Appearing Good, both are important_Part 2

That sinking feeling...

I began to walk towards no particular direction. Possibly because I had planned to go for that dinner, my feet automatically took me towards Round Building 5 where the others had gathered. I did not know what to do. I replayed the happenings during the evening darshan. I had thought that the elderly person offering the rose to Swami did not have the good luck to get a photo with Swami where the Lord was smiling and posing. I realized that I had been a culprit who had ruined that opportunity for the devotee! My heart was racing. My emotions were on high octane and the predominant ones were those of fear and sorrow.

I pulled out my phone and dialled Sai Prakash’s number. He was several years my senior and had gone through many ups and downs in life. He would surely be able to help in some way.

“Hey tell me...” his cheerful voice came over the handset.

I almost broke down telling him all that had happened. I vented continuously and the fear in my voice was palpable for him. I felt that I might be thrown out of Puttaparthi and that was my greatest fear.

“Barru, see the bright spot. Focus only on that...”

“CG! What bright spot do you see in this man? All I see is pitch darkness...”

“Swami cares for you enough to scold and correct you... That is His love - nothing else.”

“Frankly CG, I wouldn’t mind if Swami cared a little less about me. I am really scared and ... what will my parents think about me? I will never be able to forgive myself for having thrown away such an opportunity.”

“That’s not the way to take it. I assure you that this is an opportunity. Recognize it and put in efforts.”

{This is the second part of this story which will make better sense if read after the first part.)

Being Good and Appearing Good, both are important_Part 1}

The call did not give me much solace though I hoped that whatever CG had told me was true. I was reminded of how Mother Sita had been banished to the forest by Lord Rama because a washerman had passed some loose comment about her. It was not as if I was anywhere as ‘chaste’ or ‘pure’ as Mother Sita. Still, I shared the similarity with her that I had appeared to society as if I was in the wrong and my Lord seemed to have punished me for it.

God’s wrongdoings?

Time has this magical way of lending maturity and wisdom to the naivest of people. Over time, I have definitely understood that God is never vengeful. He knows the past, present and future and every decision He takes is for the best from all perspectives. But my perspective is limited. So, feeling that God is not a very loving being is because of my limitations and not His!

For instance, I remember this very thoughtful extrapolation that a Sai-brother had done to the Sita situation. He wrote to me:

Mother Sita was blessed with the opportunity to focus on a spiritual
life and the upbringing of her children alone!

“What would have happened if Rama had not abandoned (if i can use that word) Sita? A simple logic (from a worldly point of view or rather a common man's perspective with sanity) shows that this washerman's evil ideas could have taken a much larger proportion which could have created terrible repercussions. Imagine, if instead of this washerman, someone inside the Ayodhya palace had said this and Mother Sita had heard it. Imagine if after Luv and Kush's birth someone had  raised similar questions.

Rama indeed cared for Sita and loved her. More importantly, to uphold the respect of woman he "isolated" her from this evil society, and provided her an opportunity to prove herself. In fact, in Ramakatha Rasavahini Swami says that Rama asks Sita for a wish and she expresses her willingness to spend time in the pious Ashram environment hearing the glories of the Lord. Rama was indeed an ideal man who used this moment as the right opportunity to save both Sita and the people's minds. It’s like uprooting the weeds before weeds destroy the whole garden. Ideally Rama and Sita both could have left Ayodhya once they realized that people did not respect them. However it was Rama's commitment to Praja that made him stop.  Ramayana could not have had a better ending than Luv & Kush themselves proving the chastity of Mother sita and everybody in Ayodhya accepting that - we need to have pure thoughts while witnessing Divinity.”

I may or may not agree 100% with that extrapolation. But I totally subscribe to this brother’s concluding statement that ONLY PURITY CAN HELP VIEW DIVINITY. Thus, God never does wrong.

With that little detour, I continue back with my story where I was left with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

Being Good and Appearing Good, both are important_Part 1

Not being good; not appearing good - bad but honest, the reckless

Being good; not appearing good - good but vulnerable, the foolish

Being good; appearing good  - good and honest, the ideal

Not being good; appearing good - bad and evil, the devil

• Wise Man’s saying

Well, the wise man there is me and I gained that wisdom based generally on several experiences in life and specifically on one unforgettable and painful experience with my Master and best friend, Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba. This incident spanning a couple of months began on a nice note but soon developed into proportions that I had never imagined. But as is the case always with Swami, the ‘messenger’ ceased to exist once the ‘message’ had been received. It took me several years to digest the experience and, even to this day, I cannot claim to have completely digested and understood it. But I surely have learned a very important lesson. I shall open my heart about the same now.

A memorable flight back home

The story begins on the 2nd of November 2009 as we returned with Swami to Puttaparthi after a memorable visit to Hadshi and Mumbai. Swami had blessed everyone with an opportunity to take a picture alongside Him during the chartered flight and I was the photographer there. Beside me was my colleague, Sai Prakash, with the video camera. As the session progressed, the crew members began to serve food and beverages to the passengers. The food cart blocked the aisle temporarily and it was just the two of us with Swami. We simply sat looking at each other for a while.

A beautiful moment with my Swami that I shall treasure forever - dated 2nd November, 2009. 

After a silent wait, I felt an irrepressible urge in me to speak to Him. I made a slight movement towards Him and as He looked kindly, so I felt encouraged to go ahead. I said,

“Swami, my parents had Your darshan; they were very happy.”

Swami asked, "When are they coming here?"

“Swami, after father's retirement in May, they will come and settle down here itself.”

Swami nodded saying, “Santosham (Very happy)”. I continued,

“One more thing, Swami. Mother keeps crying out ‘Swami’, ‘Swami’, ... Please grant her namaskar once when she comes to Puttaparthi. Once You speak to her, she will be so happy.”

He nodded in agreement. But then He responded with a question of His own,

"She keeps telling ‘Swami’, ‘Swami’... What about you?"

I was dumbstruck. I mumbled and fumbled a bit and said,

"Swami, You know what I feel. You are most important for me."

It was then that Swami said ever so softly,

"You are taking a girl and going on your bike."
Wow! Was I taken aback at this omniscience! I remembered that I had, a few weeks before, indeed taken a high-school girl to the Super Specialty hospital in Puttaparthi for ophthalmology treatment. This girl’s parents were family friends and I was doing them a favour by taking her for her treatment. I said,

"Swami that was... er...a sister."
He said,

"If it's sister, it's alright... But not sister... You made her sister.”

It was true. She was not my biological sister. I just nodded. I was not sure whether Swami was upset with me being with her or going on the bike with her. Then, I told Him,

"Swami if you say, I shall give up using the bike itself."

I had purchased the bike because it had become difficult to follow Swami with my camera on my bicycle when He made visits to the hospital, grounds etc. Even when I succeeded in keeping pace with Him, I would end up sweaty and panting for breath. I had tried to get the bike blessed by Swami, trying to show Him the keys. That had not happened so far. But now, I wanted to stress that for me He was the most important and that I would gladly give up bike riding itself if He had the slightest problem with it.

Delhi-Simla Memories- Part 1 - Hello Delhi

An excitement build-up

The aerial 'chariot' booked to serve as the Lord's carrier to Delhi. Here, the aircraft is seen parked in the Puttaparthi
airport with the Super Specialities Hospital seen in the background. 

Travelling with Bhagawan Baba to visit a place is an experience that can never be captured adequately in words. Yet, time and again, that very effort is made by those who are blessed to have accompanied Him during various visits. This serial too is such an attempt where I try to relive and share the beautiful memories gathered during Swami’s visit to Delhi and Simla in the summer of 2010.

Spending days in the direct physical presence of Bhagawan is like seeing a multi-faceted diamond. The observer sees His divine sparkle based on his/her own perspective. Now, that is the problem with trying to describe the days spent in the divine presence - at best it can capture only one perspective and a few facets of the Divine Diamond. But then, I feel that it would be a grave injustice to hold back describing those few facets out of fear of not being comprehensive and all-encompassing. So, with humility and love, I shall proceed with this magical travelogue. I have already written in great detail about the dramatic manner in which I got to know that I was selected for the Delhi-Simla visit.

I had only a couple of days to prepare for the trip with Swami. The excitement of being selected after such intense pining was unbearable. I wasn’t able to eat or sleep properly. I called my parents and told them about the complete change of plans. Well, the change was not so ‘complete’ because I told them to fly to Delhi as planned. Just that, instead of going to the Kumbh Mela, they would stay on at Delhi itself.   I called my sister and many others to obtain small releases of these excitement bouts! Swami Himself added to the excitement on the day preceding takeoff, the 8th of April 2010, during the darshan session in the mandir. After the bhajans got over and Arati had been taken, Swami continued to sit on the dais. He then said,

“Delhi boys.”

Slowly, from all directions, all the boys selected came forward and sat on the steps facing Him. Swami instructed that everyone should be ready, have breakfast and head to the airport. He also gave specific instructions to a few members. Looking at me, He said something very softly. Though I moved up to Him, I could not make out what He was saying. So, I just knelt in front of Him, smiling. Swami also smiled and agreed to my request of padanamaskar. I bent over the railings and gently kissed His feet. I must have looked like a giraffe bending over a fence to drink water but I didn’t care. Who cares how one looks when one is getting the opportunity to kiss those redeeming feet - the feet that promise to take one across the ocean of life (Dusthara Bhava Sagara Tharanam) as Swami Himself puts it?

The road was lined  with people who had come to wave goodbye to Swami. On the top right of the photograph
is the runway of the Puttaparthi airport. 

Swami’s magic works even before people meet Him

The 9th of April dawned very early for me. I was up even before the sun had thoughts of rising because I had hardly slept at night. Such was the excitement that it almost seemed like a whole day before it became 9:45 am when we were supposed to transfer our entire luggage near the Poornachandra auditorium! From where they would be picked and transported to the aircraft by a trailer tractor. By 11:45 am we too assembled at the airport, having finished a late breakfast. The yellow hospital bus ferried us to the airport where the preliminary checks and check-ins were done. Since the airport is not used regularly, special personnel had arrived to do these security duties. Thus, it took a little longer than at normal airports. It was almost 1:40 pm when all of us were in the aircraft, waiting for Swami’s arrival.