When suicidal thoughts arise - SOS to Sai

God is always close

It was the summer of 1957. India, as a country was seeing a great many changes in its internal political map. The States Reorganisation Act of 1956 was in full force now and the boundaries of several states were being redrawn and the states were being reorganised on linguistic lines. It was a time of tremendous change especially for those people who were serving in government offices and administrative roles. A plethora of transfers, promotions, reassignments and marching orders were being issued and a lot of people were getting displaced. Among these thousands was one illustrious government servant who had served India well during the Second World War and the decade following that.

He had given his body and mind, blood and sweat in the service of his country but did not seem to be recognized for the same. Dozens of officers far below him in rank and junior to him in service had been promoted while he had been neglected and relegated to the background. He felt let down and dejected. Adding to his despondency was the fact that he was lonely in his Bhopal home as his wife was away - at her native village along with her parents. It would have been good had he remembered his God or his wife’s God - Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba - in such a scenario. But somehow, when one is drowning in a sea of sorrow, one is unable to remember anything or anyone. All one wants is for the comforting embrace of death to get away from the situation! Unable to bear his sorrow, he decided to end his woes by literally biting the bullet! Walking up to his bedroom drawer, he pulled out his service revolver and walked out into the living room. Steadying his grip on the gun, he ensured that it was loaded. Just to ensure that the weapon had the capacity to wipe out all his sorrows he even test fired it. He had no fear about the sound arousing the neighbours. It wouldn’t matter in a few moments anyway. Mentally seeking forgiveness from his wife, he placed the barrel of the gun to his head.

The division of India into states before the reorganization came into effect.

“DON’T SHOOT!”

Swami shouted in His room in Kodaikanal as He collapsed and slumped on the bed. Swami Satchidananda (a monk from Swami Sivananda ashram, the Divine Life Society in Rishikesh) had accompanied Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba to Kodaikanal and was witness to this strange incident. Till then, Swami had been reclining comfortably on the bed. He had suddenly stood up and shouted in His native tongue Telugu before collapsing back on the bed. As Satchidananda rushed to His bedside, he noticed that Swami’s body had turned stiff and near-lifeless. From his experience of staying with Bhagawan, he knew that Swami was off on a ‘transcorporeal journey’. But what was the situation this time and which devotee was being saved? Had Swami taken over some calamity on to His body? Only time would tell - that too if He willed it.

The weakness of wanting to commit suicide

Atma Hatya is the Sanskrit term for suicide and it directly translates into “killing of one’s soul (Atma)”. Strange isn’t it? Lord Krishna in the Bhagawad Gita said,

“The Atma cannot be pierced by weapons, burnt by fire, moistened by water or dried by the wind ( नैनं छिन्दन्ति शस्त्राणि नैनं दहति पावकः ।

न चैनं क्लेदयन्त्यापो न शोषयति मारुतः ॥)”

Why then is suicide called Atma Hatya and not Deha Hatya? We find the answer in what Swami once told a devotee who confessed of being plagued by thoughts of committing suicide. (This is recorded by Smt. Karunamba Ramamurthy in her book, Sri Sathya Sai Anandadayi.)

“However difficult life is, try to be its master and not its slave. Every human being has a preordained life span. It is like staying in a leased house. Before you actually vacate the house, you have to find another one to move in. Similarly, before leaving one body, God selects another body and a span, depending upon the karmic debts. In case death is inflicted arbitrarily, you are denying yourself a chance to work out your karma as early as possible and reach a permanent abode. In suicide, you are stranded midway. It would be a frightening state of affairs for you. There is no vacant space in nature. God has filled the space with spirits and many other invisible entities. When suicide is committed, they show up and terrorize you.

Being God's driver - The life and story of Padmanabhan with Sri Sathya Sai_ Part 2

Everything happens with a reason

It took about 4 hours for Padmanabhan to drive from Bangalore to Puttaparthi through the narrow winding roads which meandered through many villages along the way. Who would have thought that a tar road would be connecting Bangalore with a tiny hamlet in Andhra Pradesh?

“Today, the Asian Highway 43, the National Highway 7 and a State Highway form the series of roads connecting these two places. I never thought it would become like this then!” says Padmanabhan with a smile of amazement.

The client had a day’s work to accomplish in Puttaparthi and Padmanabhan spent the night in the car itself. The next morning, even as he was going for his ablutions, the client rushed to him,

“We need to get back to Whitefield as soon as possible. I wish to be there in time for darshan!”

In a hurry, Padmanabhan got the car started and began th journey back towards Whitefield. It was literally ‘godspeed’ for them because they were speeding to be in time to see God!

{This is the second part of Padmanabhan's story. In case you have arrived directly here, it is recommended that you read the first part first! That is at the link below:

Being God's driver - The life and story of Padmanabhan with Sri Sathya Sai_ Part 1 }

The car neared the Brindavan ashram and all the signs outside indicated that Bhagawan Baba had come out to grant darshan.

“Yes! Stop right here”, said the client as he got off from the car and rushed in to have darshan. Padmanabhan too was desirous of having darshan but he had not bathed and washed for nearly 24 hours. He thought for a moment and decided that the ablutions could wait. He parked the car nearby and rushed under the welcoming shade of the Sai Ram shed. Even as he sat in the last line, possibly the tenth one, in the gents’ section, Swami had neared the gents’ side of the tree having completed the ladies’ side. He seemed to hurry towards where Padmanabhan was seated and began to look at him from a distance of more than 20 feet. Padmanabhan could feel a tingling sensation inside him. He just sat down when Swami raised His finger and told him,

“Go”.

Padmanabhan feels that his spiritual growth has been complete in Swami's presence, though not in the way he thought.
Every delay and even denial from Swami only got him closer to Swami and helped him evolve spiritually. 

23rd March 1992 is a day embedded in Padmanabhan’s memory for ever because it is possibly the only day he had gone for darshan without any of his ablutions in day-old clothes and Swami picked him straight for an interview! The joy was heightened because this gift was totally unexpected. Expectation is such a terrible thing - it makes you morose if not fulfilled and feels normal if fulfilled. On the other hand, living each moment with no expectation is divine - it never makes you morose but adds extra joy when you are gifted something! Padmanabhan walked towards the interview room with a spring in his step.

Being God's driver - The life and story of Padmanabhan with Sri Sathya Sai_ Part 1

It is no mean achievement to be the Sarathi to the Sanathana Sarathi!

Duty is God; Work is Worship

A man walking briskly with purposeful steps, dressed in a white shirt and a white pant, is not such a rare sight in Prasanthi Nilayam, Puttaparthi. Most of the men here are dressed in whites and all the people here have come here on a purpose! (Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba, our dear Swami, emphasizes that unless it is willed by Him, one cannot come to Prasanthi Nilayam.)

Imagine you walk up to one such man dressed in whites and greet him,

“Hello”

And he replies with,

“Sairam, yes.?”

“Could you help me find the Sathya Sai Bhakta Nivas accommodation hall?”

“Sure! I am headed to work and the hall comes along the way. I can guide you there. Do you need help to carry your bags?”

“I am fine with the bags. Thank you for showing me to the hall.”

And you both walk along.

“Actually, there are two battery-operated vehicle service, named ‘Sai Sevak’, to transport devotees with luggage from the gate to the accommodation hall...”

“Oh I see,” you are surprised, “that is a nice development.

You reach your destination and the man begins to retrace his steps.

“Excuse me, can I know where you work?”

Pointing to a big shed nearby, he says,

“Over there - at the Tractor Shed.”

“Tractor shed? You...”

“I am a driver.”

The general response to such a revelation is not something out-of-the-world. I mean, the response will lack the ‘oohs’ and  ‘aahs’ that a revelation of him being an active scientist in the country’s missile program would evoke. It will also lack the admiration and possible envy that a revelation of him being the CEO of some firm would elicit. A driver is not someone you admire, envy or look up to in awe! But imagine that you ask him,

“Who are you? And what car do you drive?”

His answer will blow your mind away.

“I am Padmanabhan. I drove Swami’s cars for 18 years. I now maintain all of them!”

Now imagine your response! Most probably, your hands would fold in salutation and you would exclaim,

“Sai Ram!! The Lord’s driver!! OMG! How lucky I am to meet you...”

That exclamation is what happens when one does one’s work for God! It is the difference between spirituality as we understand it and actual spirituality which is doing one’s duty and daily work as a service to God. And the life of Sri.P.V.Padmanabhan has been one long saga of transforming work into worship. The story of how he came to Swami, how he became Swami’s chauffeur and how he learned what is truly meant by Spirituality, is indeed a nectarous one, another leaf in the gigantic banyan tree of the Sai Bhagawatham.

Introduction to Sri Sathya Sai

Padmanabhan obtained a Diploma in Automobile Engineering which, in combination with some support from his uncle, got him a job as vehicle mechanic in the Indian Air Force base at Assam (there were more than 300 jeeps and other vehicles to maintain). The teenager worked hard and in all sincerity, expanding his skill-set and knowledge base. His hard work paid off when, as a 20-year old, he got a contract job in Baghdad. For more than two years from 1981 to 1983, Padmanabhan maintained his clients’ cars as a well-paid auto mechanic. Reports of his good work reached the neighbouring Kingdom of Saudi Arabia and he won a contract there to manage and maintain several cars. Thus, the 3 years from 1983 to 1986 were spent in the strictly Islamic country.

“Hey! Just a minute. What was the need to mention ‘strictly Islamic country’? Please keep religion out of your narratives.”

Someone might be tempted to tell me thus.

Well, the reason I mention that term is because it was in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia that Padmanabhan came to know of Swami! Imagine that - getting to know of God in human form in a country where it is a sin (punishable by incarceration and possibly even death) to indulge in any kind of idolatry! It happened via his friend Venugopal with whom Padmanabhan spent many hours chatting as he was also a Malyali like him. (Padmanabhan hails from Kuttiyady in Calicut.)

PART 2_Destroyed in seconds but rebuilt over years - the love story of Vijaya Sunder with his Swami

First trip to Puttaparthi

Vijay informed his parents about the chance he had got to go to Puttaparthi and be part of a drama to be staged there. They were happy. The past few years had seemed to really improve their son and his positive outlook towards Swami delighted them.

Vijay performed his role behind the scenes to the best of his ability and sincerity. As instructed, he made sure that he did not peep to get a darshan of Swami during the drama and, when the time came, he showered ‘Adi Sankaracharya’ with gold. When the drama concluded, Swami moved down the dais, amidst the children. He blessed all the actors with clothes. He also materialized vibhuti for some of the actors. Having done this, as He sat on the stage, the supreme Lord of the Universe seemed unsatisfied! He is never satisfied when it comes to giving.

He said something to the attendant boy by his side. A tray was brought from within and Swami beckoned to the actors. He handed over a wristwatch to each and every one of them. The line of actors ended but not Swami’s enthusiasm to give. He looked beyond, at the sets’ boys seated behind. Sathya Sai is a silent worker - always acting behind the scenes and giving credit to others. He definitely knows what it is to be a background worker! He beckoned to the sets’ boys too and Vijay was one among the first few to go to Him.

Swami blessing Vijay with gold chain that He materialised with a wave of His hand. This was in 2008. 

(This is the second part of an interesting story. You will get maximum joy by reading it in the proper chronology. In case you have missed it, read the first part at the link below before returning to this part.

Destroyed in seconds but rebuilt over years - the love story of Vijaya Sunder with his Swami_Part 1)

Vijay knelt before Swami. It was for the first time in his life that he was seeing Swami from such close quarters. Swami held out a wristwatch for him. But Vijay’s attention was not on the watch. He was drinking deep into the fountain of beauty that Swami is. That momentary experience was enough to make Vijay desire madly for a seat in Swami’s college. He remembered Shyam’s words that one got admission in Swami’s college only when He wills. So, he told Swami,

“Please give me admission in your college. I want a seat.”

“Ok. Take”, said Swami, handing him the watch.

Vijay did not understand whether Swami was asking him to ‘take’ the watch or the seat. He did not know then that Swami has the ability to bless two birds with the same stone! He felt that Swami wanted to get ‘rid’ of his pestering presence. He took the watch and walked back to his place.

Thus concluded the Parthi trip which triggered an insatiable thirst in Vijay to become a student of Swami.

When God says No to your prayers - my experience with Sri Sathya Sai - Part 1

When God says 'Yes' or 'Wait'...

For most of us, a prayer often turns out to be a request for help. Of course, at times there are prayers of gratitude too, but more often than not, such prayers come immediately after the request-prayers! We pray for something, God grants it and, there you go, we offer a prayer of gratitude. These are instances when God says 'Yes' to our prayers and gives us what we want. There are some other instances when God says 'Wait' to our prayers. With firm faith that God's delays are not His denials, we wait with patience and perseverance. At the right moment when the prayer is fulfilled, we realize how perfect God's timing was and offer our gratitude. We seem to reflect God's own statement back to Him saying, "When it comes to offering gratitude, our delays too are not our denials." We rejoice when God says 'Wait' because though He may not give us what we want, He gives us something better.

But what if God says 'No'? I mean it is not a joy-filling 'Yes' or a hope-arising 'Wait' but a flat 'No' on the face? It is in this connection that I recall an episode which occurred on the 28th of July, 2010. This was the day when my God and best friend, Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba, gave a flat 'No' to a very 'reasonable' prayer that I made. What did that teach me? The message will be better understood when we go through the happenings of the day. But for those who are curious, I can drop a little hint. The answer lies in the Madhurashtakam composed by the great Vallabhacharya which describes every aspect of the Lord in the Krishna form as sweet and charming.  So, yes, even when God says 'No' it is sweet and charming!

A cataract to be operated

After my father's retirement in the May of 2010, my parents had shifted to Puttaparthi to settle down for life as per Swami's instructions. They were in bliss, enjoying darshan twice a day on a daily basis. I too felt so happy for them. This was that period in my life which I wished would go on forever. Within a few blissful weeks, my father began to complain about his inability to see clearly through his right eye. Having experienced a cataract operation for his left eye before, he was convinced that this was a cataract problem. I immediately sought an appointment with the ophthalmologist at the Sri Sathya Sai Institute of Higher Medical Sciences.

The doctor examined my father's eye and confirmed that it was indeed a cataract and a hard one at that. He said,

"Of course this surgery can be performed here. But I would strongly recommend that it is performed by Dr.K. He is currently visiting our general hospital in Bangalore and I could forward this case to him if you agree."

Trusting the doctor's wisdom, I agreed.

My father, being a cardiac patient, needed a cardiac clearance certificate before he could undergo the operation. (The story of his 'heart attack' is another wonderful experience in itself. That is what happens with Swami - the worst of experiences too become memorable.) We obtained that certificate and the date chosen for the operation was the 2nd of August, 2010. This was when I felt that I must inform Swami and seek His blessings for the same.

So, on the 28th of July, a Wednesday, I borrowed a pen from my neighbour in the darshan lines and began writing a letter to Swami. I wrote in brief about the happenings so far and sought His blessings for the operation which was slated to be performed on the coming Monday. Having completed the letter, I waited for Swami to arrive.