Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future - Part 1

A story of Himalayan proportions

It was Oscar Wilde who said,

"Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future."

For long, it was the story of Kalpagiri stood testimony to the truth in this statement for me. After I became a student at the Sri Sathya Sai Institute of Higher Learning, I came to know of many more such stories. Among the hundreds of stories of Swami’s grace and love that I had heard in my student days, one story stuck in my heart for its uniqueness. And that story brought new meaning to the Oscar Wilde quote. It showed that there are instances where even a sinner has a glorious past. But that glorious past is forgotten due to complete indulgence in the world. The soul starts blundering and floundering in life till God's compassion descends and reveals the Truth.

A file photograph of Sanjay Sahni speaking in the Divine
Presence at Brindavan, Bengaluru.

I first heard of this experience in Swami’s presence, in Trayee Brindavan, narrated by lecturer Sri.Sanjay Sahni who is the principal of the Brindavan campus of SSSIHL as on the date of writing of this article. Listening to the incident and seeing Baba’s rapt attention was such an experience in itself. I again heard this incident narrated in Prasanthi Nilayam a few years later, this time by another lecturer, Sri Ruchir Desai. His was a 15-minute speech and so he didn’t go into the details the way Sahni sir had done in his 45-minute talk. But since then, the incident was etched in me and what a wonderful opportunity it was to hear about it from the protagonist-witness himself! The first-hand narrative from Mr.Prithviraj is definitely a story of Himalayan proportions.

Mr. Prithviraj was an advocate from the Indian state of Orissa and he had prospered well in his career to soon find himself serving at the apex court in India. As an advocate of the Supreme Court of India, he had a very busy and fulfilling life. The fulfilling part came from his devotion to his God and master, Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba and his annual service at Prasanthi Nilayam in Puttaparthi. He came face to face with the most fantastic and thrilling story of his life during one such visit to the abode of highest peace (that is what Prasanthi Nilayam translates into) as a member of the Seva Dal (the service corps of the Sri Sathya Sai Seva Organization).

It was the year 1989 and as always, he was serving at the South Indian canteen of the Prasanthi Nilayam ashram. He was accosted with great familiarity by a man in a white shirt and a white pant.

“Sairam sir, do you remember me?”, he asked with a gentle smile, “you had given me tea.”

Having tea with strangers in order to extract their story with Swami was nothing new to Prithviraj and so, he was unable to recollect this face.

“I am Mohammad... remember? The cigarettes...”

In a flash, he remembered everything. A quick travel down memory lane brought before his mind’s eye everything about Mohammad and his extraordinary life. The time was about five years ago, in 1984.

Platform heroes and practical zeroes: Two eye-opening experiences with my Swami

Don't be a platform hero

On several occasions, in several discourses, Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba has exhorted one and all not to be mere “platform heroes” and “practical zeroes”. For instance, in His discourse on the 14th Feb 1999 (Puttaparthi), He spoke about people who speak about doing great service activities but do not put into deed even a single word of what they speak. Once again, in the same year on the 14th March (Mumbai), He impressed on everyone that a hero uses knowledge in a practical manner. On both occasions He spoke against being only a “platform hero”.

While Swami mentions only the glaring examples of platform heroes being practical zeroes, on introspection, we find that many times, we too are guilty of being that way. The way in which we become platform heroes and practice zeroes is so subtle that it often escapes our notice. Leafing through the pages of my diary, I came across a couple of examples where, without doubt, I was shown to be a practice-zero. One of them happened on the 26th of May, 2006, during a Trayee Session that Swami had called us all in for.

A beautiful Trayee Session indeed

The flow of a Trayee session is always a mystery. It is thrilling and charming because, invariably, it is Swami who controls its flow. So it was on this day too. Swami entered the jhoola room where all the students had gathered, humming a tune. As He sat on the ornate swing, He began to sing the song as well. It was a Carnatic classical song entitled, “Rara Venu Gopabala”. It was wonderful listening to that Varnam (a category and level of Carnatic music songs). After that, Swami even sang the swaras (notes) of the same song,

“Sa Re Ga Pa Da Sa Ni Da Pa Da Pa Ma Ga Ri Sa Ni Sa Ni Da Sa “

Then, turning to one of the students, He asked, “Who is the leader in Mahabharatham?”

Student: Swami, Krishna

Swami : Why not Dharmaraja?

Student: Swami, one is leader at human level and the other is at divine level.

Swami: Aha! So there are two levels in Mahabharatham? Tell me then, at human level who are you; at divine level who are you? (no answer from student and so, after a while Swami asks) Krishna kabhi kabhi galti kiya nai? (Krishna made mistakes at times right?)

Student: No Swami! Whatever he did is Dharma.

Swami: Krishna jo bhi bola vo sara right! (All that Krishna said is all right) Jo kiya, jo bola vo Dharma. (Whatever he spoke or did, it was righteousness/Truth).

Having said that, Swami began to narrate an anecdote from Lord Krishna’s life.

The story of Krishna, Arjuna and the Dove

There are many variants of the story which Swami has narrated and I present one of them here. Just to bring all readers up to speed, the “famous” episode between Lord Krishna and Arjuna goes like this.

"Krishna, for me, your words are more
trustworthy than evidence of my eyes"

The two are on a stroll in the garden when they see the bird hovering in the skies. Pointing to it, Krishna says,

“See that bird Arjuna... Is it a dove?”

“Yes my Lord! It is indeed a dove”, replies Arjuna.

“But wait... I think that it is is an eagle. Isn’t it an eagle?” asks Krishna

“Yes! That is definitely an eagle”, is the answer.

“No! It does not look like an eagle”, says Krishna, “it is definitely a crow.”

“Without a doubt Krishna, it is a crow”, replies Arjuna.

At this point, Krishna laughs and chides Arjuna,

“Are you blind my friend? You do not seem to have eyes of your own! You are simply agreeing to whatever I say.”

Arjuna says, “Krishna, for me, your words are far more trustworthy than the evidence of my eyes. When you say something, you have the power to make it so – be it a crow, dove or eagle. Hence, if you said it is a crow, it must be so!”

This story is oft quoted to exemplify how faith must be. Every time I have heard it, I have felt,

“This is exactly what I would have done if I was in Arjuna’ place.” But well, it is not as simple as that.

Swami narrates the story again and shows me how am only a platform hero

As mentioned earlier, Swami began to narrate the same story during this session too. I relaxed mentally because I had heard this same story at least a dozen times over. Apart from changing the order of the ‘birds’, the story would more or less follow the same narrative lines. I was in for a surprise however! Swami, to my great consternation, seemed to make a mistake. he said,

“Krishna looked up at the skies and told Arjuna that the being there was a horse.”

A HORSE??? In the skies??? I sat up and looked at Swami. The expression on my face screamed, “This is a mistake! It should be either an eagle or a dove or crow right?”

Swami did not stop there. He continued, “Arjuna agreed that it was a horse. Then, Krishna looked up and said that it was not a horse, but a lion...”

I was completely taken aback now. I was thinking,

“Swami, animals do not fly! Shift to birds please...”

And Swami completed that story by shifting over to the familiar crow and eagle. I was relieved. That is what I have noted in my diary. Today, when I look back, I realize what a practical zero I was. I felt that there was nothing great in Arjuna’s faith for I would have done the same as he did. But when it actually came to me to demonstrate my faith, even with the same story, I failed and was eager to ‘correct’ Swami and bring ‘sanity’ into the narrative! Well, apparently, Maya (delusion) has the ability to sneak up unnoticed just like selfishness disguises itself as selflessness at times!

The Hadshi incident of being a platform hero

The next episode that reminds me of my fallibility to Maya and to being a practical zero happened in Hadshi, during Swami’s visit to this new shrine in October 2009. One morning, after breakfast, Swami graciously agreed to see through some of the photos that had been taken during the trip so far. I was sitting at His feet, with a laptop by my side and Swami was watching the giant television across as the pictures kept scrolling by. One beautiful image of the rising sun in Hadshi came on the screen.

“Ah! The Moon looks very nice,” He commented.

"Swami, that is the Sun," I corrected Him.

“If that is the Sun, why is everything dark all around?”, was His question.

The photo exposure of the camera was according to the Sun’s brightness which was why everything around was dark. How was I to explain the same to Swami? Instead of going into the details of the exposure levels in the camera, I simply said,

"Swami, it is orange in colour! It is the Sun."

Swami looked at me as if to say,

"Ok! If you say so…"

Completely igno"rant" - I explain to Swami why the picture is not of the moon but of the sun

There! Once again, I had failed. I was in a situation very similar to Arjuna and rather than saying, "Yes Swami! If you say so..." I had made Him say that very same statement to me!  I regret now but with the Lord everything is an opportunity to learn and improve. It was a second chance that He had given me, and I had failed!

Chances galore

Today, when I think of these two episodes where I realized that I failed to be a practical hero, I also think about the many occasions that might exist when I even failed to realize that I had failed!

“Not many times”, the mind tries to pacify. But the heart knows the truth.

When I think of being a practical hero, this is what
flashes in my mind's eye! :)

Swami always says that whatever happens, we should consider it is for our good - Na Manchi Kosame - in His words. But when I don’t do it in troubled or painful times, looking to Him and asking instead - “Why this Lord? How is this good for me?” - I have failed! It just means that I have had the temerity to question His “eagle” and say that it is actually a “crow” isn’t it?

Going deeper in the same line of thought, Swami has always told each one of us,

“Bangaroo, all of you are embodiments of love”. Every time I do not believe or do not act as an “embodiment of love”, I have failed. Haven’t I?

But my Swami is always encouraging and loving. He has no qualms about me being a platform hero. He wants me to be a practical hero as well! And He is ready to wait for as long as it takes, standing by me, supporting me and loving me. And I am sure, all of you to agree to this! :)

For all readers:

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When selfishness disguises itself as selflessness

Selfishness is a master chameleon

There is no limit to the extents to which
selfishness can go...

It was during my summer vacations when this episode occurred in the Garden City of India, Bangalore (now called Bengaluru). More than anything else, the incident showed me how subtle are the ways of selfishness. It is a master chameleon which can disguise itself even as the noblest of feelings. It is so convincing in its act that one readily turns a blind eye to it and acknowledges it as the noble emotion or thought that it is trying to impersonate. At its subtlest best, selfishness dons the vesture of selflessness with such elan and grace that it actually elicits prayers and efforts from the victim to achieve its ignoble ends!

I was then a student in the undergraduate at the Brindavan Campus of the Sri Sathya Sai Institute of Higher Learning. Among the 3 campuses of the Institute at Brindavan, Puttaparthi and Ananthapur, the students of the Brindavan campus were the luckiest in the summer months because the Chancellor of their University, Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba, whom they lovingly called Swami, would stay at the ashram in Brindavan. And being a student of the final year undergraduate class, I would be among the special one-third of the campus to get a chance to sit in the front rows for darshan and bhajan sessions (prayer sessions). Thus, like every other final-year student, I eagerly looked forward for the summer sessions.

There is another magical thing that happened when Swami visited Brindavan - the Trayee sessions! These were times when Baba would call all the students into the large hall under His single-room residence and interact with them. (The building there is called Trayee Brindavan and hence the name for the sessions.) There would be discourses by Swami, devotional songs sung by the students, a quiz contest, a bhajan session - just about anything. Nobody could predict what would happen in a Trayee session. Swami had arrived to Brindavan and had started granting Trayee sessions after the evening bhajans on a daily basis. This was something the brought joy to everyone among the staff and students who were lucky to be called in daily.

A wonderful time

Thus began my summer on a happy note. Adding to the joy was the fact that lady-luck decided to side with me! On a continuous basis, when it came to the lines/queues going into Trayee Brindavan for the session, I always seemed to pick a token number 1 or 2. In this way, for almost 5 days in a row, I got a chance to sit in the front, very close to Swami’s jhoola (ornamental swing) during the sessions.

This was such a joyous privilege. Sitting at the Master’s feet was such an enthralling experience. Seeing Him from so close in itself gave me gooseflesh. And what should I say about the chance to massage His feet in loving Padasevanam! (Actually Swami has given an entirely new meaning of the term Padasevanam as described in another article.)

I remember one evening very vividly. I was gently massaging Swami’s calf muscles. I was being very gentle and tender in my massage. His legs felt so delicate and feminine. I was thinking, “Swami! No wonder you have Goddess Lakshmi massaging your feet in Vaikuntha (abode of Lord Vishnu). You need very delicate hands to do the massage because your legs are so delicate.”

Even as this thought crossed my mind, Swami looked at me and said,
“Massage a bit harder. Like this...”
And He showed it with His hands too. He seemed to squeeze the imaginary muscles in His hand and twist them in opposite directions, the way we do while wanting to dry a dripping towel! I was taken aback. But I did as He said, gently though. He again looked at me and told me to do it harder. Now I increased the pressure. One more look and Swami said,

“Do it harder. Have you not had any food?”

This time I thought,
“Okay Swami! You asked for it!”

I wrung His calf muscles with all the strength I could muster. I was half expecting a shriek of pain. But nothing like that happened. I looked up at Swami and He was sitting comfortably on the jhoola, seemingly enjoying the talk by a teacher that was going on. I now increased the pressure till my breaking point. My forearms began to ache with the effort. The ‘tender’ muscles of His calf were being squished into pulp I thought. The pressure was such that I would surely not have been able to bear to do it to my own ‘stronger’ calf muscles.

But Swami did not budge or flinch a bit! In fact, when my arms began to ache after 10 minutes and I reduced the pressure, He looked at me and taunted,

“Tired? Do you wish to be replaced? Massage harder...”

Who would want to lose that opportunity and be replaced? But there is a limit for my physical strength right? His Divine power, on the other hand, is limitless! I learned my lesson. Instead of thinking stupid thoughts, I continued the massaging with all my love and humility. Swami’s demands for greater pressure immediately ceased.

With Swami that is the case always - once the message is learned, the messenger instantly ceases to exist!

These were the kinds of chances and experiences that one receives during Trayee Sessions. And so, now the reader can easily imagine why it was such a beautiful time for me and all the other students as well.

The selfish gene

It is almost as if we have a selfish gene in our constitutions that awaits a chance to express itself. And it seems to succeed on quite a regular basis. One day, after a long time, my token number turned out to be the last in the queues that go into Trayee Brindavan. I was very disappointed. I just could not bear the thought of being seated so far away from the jhoola where Swami sits. I would be so far that I would not be able to even hear whatever Swami speaks. (There would be no mikes kept for Swami unless He was delivering formally, a discourse.) Who knows, I might be seated so back that unless I craned my neck, I might not be able to even see Him! My disappointment grew as we made our way into the Sai Ramesh hall for the evening darshan and bhajan session after which would be the coveted Trayee Session.

As I sat for bhajans, I recollected the beautiful days that had passed so far. Five days of physical proximity to Swami out of which I had got the chance to massage His feet on three occasions. (“And today, it would be all over” squeaked the selfish gene from one corner of my head). Swami too had continuously granted one Trayee Session after another. (“Will He not be tired? Should He not get some rest” spoke the selfish gene in my head. But this time, it had already attired itself in the costumes of nobility and concern!

“Yes, Swami needs to take a break and have some rest”, I thought, “He is continuously giving one Trayee session after another. Swami, take a break. Take some rest.”

At that time, I did not realize what extremes of selfishness I was indulging in. It was the case of me not wanting anyone else to get a wonderful evening if I would not be having it! But at that time, I felt I was being so noble and sensitive in my thoughts. Such was selfishness’ disguise and such was my foolishness, that I actually began to pray,

“Swami, there is no need for Trayee session today. You can take some rest. How much do you want to keep slogging for all of us...”

“Ay! That is selfishness”, a strong voice from my heart came up.
“How can it be?” the head questioned, “Is it selfishness to think about Swami’s comfort? You are only doing something that nobody else is doing. It is very noble.”

This kind of dialogue of the heart vs the head is a common feature for all of us. Well, the heart is known by other names as well - the voice of wisdom, conscience etc. As the head said, I was indeed doing something that nobody else was doing. And today I know that it was definitely not noble!

Since selflessness brings us all good, is not being selfless true selfishness? :)
Let us all be Self-ish in this true manner...

The veil is lifted

The ways in which the Lord works are strange. But they always have a purpose. To my delight then, on that day, Swami did not call for a Trayee Session! We were informed that there would be no session and that we could return to the hostel. My inner being rejoiced. I felt that a noble prayer is always answered - just as mine had been moments before.

Since I was part of the audio-visual team, the AVC department, in Brindavan, I went to roll the microphone wires and cables. About 8 microphones each would be used by the ladies’ and gents’ bhajan groups and we had to roll up all the cables and wind up things neatly. The storage room was backstage, within the compound wall of Swami’s Trayee Brindavan. As I entered the AVC room to stow away the microphones, I noticed some movement at the Trayee Brindavan entrance door.

Soon, I came to know that a mistake had apparently been made. A wrong communication had been passed and all the boys had been sent away to the hostel. A hurried message was now being despatched to the hostel to summon all the boys.

The veil that selfishness had donned till now and its camouflage as nobility came down in an instant.

I found myself praying,

“Swami, please let there be a Trayee session and let the door open right away. That way, I can get in before the other boys and sit right at your lotus feet.”

“Selfish!” screamed my heart

“Don’t think all that. Just try to get a good spot...” my head retorted.

In an instant I understood how selfish I had been. The nobility of wanting Swami to rest had all disappeared the moment I had a chance to be seated in the front! Ah! How well you disguise yourself Oh selfishness! I felt very ashamed of my thoughts. Adding to my guilt pangs was the fact that the door opened immediately. The boys had not yet arrived. On instinct, I began running and soon found myself seated right in front of the jhoola. In a few moments the other boys arrived.

Remorse

As I sat there, the happenings of the whole evening flashed within my being. I was feeling very ashamed and guilty. I thought that it was my selfish prayer that deprived some other student of the wonderful chance to sit in front. Guilt was almost killing me from within. I was shedding tears.

The inner door opened and Swami walked into the hall. He came and sat on the jhoola. I could bear it no longer. In my heart, I screamed out to Swami,

“Swami! I am sorry. I have been very selfish. And I had the cheek to call it nobility. I shall never pray like this again. In fact, I shall never pray for anything because you always know best. Who am I to assume that I know better that the Lord? From now on, my prayers will always be for the whole world to be happy and for my the love in my heart to grow. Forgive me Swami. I am feeling ashamed. I was selfish and you have rewarded it? How magnanimous are you! I am ashamed of myself. I am sorry”

"Once the message is learned, the messenger ceases to exist." (Swami is seen here smiling as He sits on the jhoola in Trayee Brindavan)

Tears kept flowing and I kept my head bent low. I was looking at His feet only. I did not feel like even touching them. Such was the disgust I was feeling at my selfishness. Once my tears dried, I looked up at Him. The loving Swami flashed a gentle and beautiful smile. In an instant, I knew that He knew everything. And He had forgiven me completely.

“Once the message is learned, the messenger instantly ceases to exist.”

My guilt was gone and so was my remorse. I began to massage His feet. I resolved to be consciously aware of the chameleon - selfishness.

The next day, I was again in the last row. I felt so happy in my heart. I felt very light. I prayed,
“Thank you for everything Swami.” Nothing else came from me.

That day, I sat in the last rows in Trayee. But I was happy - happy for the students in front who were getting a wonderful chance. And that genuinely made me so happy! I realized the power of selflessness. Selfishness depended on me getting the front rows to make me happy. Selflessness kept me happy irrespective of what happened!

“I was selfless and you have rewarded me so much greater”, I prayed to Swami, “for you have rewarded me with such pure happiness in my heart - a happiness that nothing or nobody can take away!”