By giving we receive - Sai teaches me the generosity paradox

The Generosity Paradox

It is by chance that I came to know of the existence of the Generosity Paradox. By definition, a paradox is a statement that is self contradictory because it contains within itself, two parts which are both true and yet, cannot otherwise be true at the same time. The Generosity Paradox states that the more we give, the more we will receive. By spending ourselves for others’ well-being, we enhance our own well-being. In other words, this means that by holding on possessively to what we currently have, we lose out on better things that we could have gained.

Both are true... Yet both are false - A Paradox!

It is easy to understand why this is called a paradox. Logic states that when we give we lose what we are parting with. On the other hand, by holding on we continue to possess what is valuable for us. That is the cold logic of a zero sum game - when some one gains, the other has to lose. Logic does not allow for a win-win situation because the material universe is finite. How then does generosity/kindness/goodness work?

It is interesting to note that the answer is simple and it has sound logic backing it. I discovered this answer for myself by travelling through the lanes and by-lanes of my memories that have been neatly recorded in several personal diaries. Needless to say it involves an experience with my Master and best friend, Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba.

The ‘handkerchief chance’

During the late 90’s and early years of the new millennium, Swami used to bless the students with one special kind of chance - the handkerchief chance. Unlike the years before and after, 1997-2001 saw Swami walk alone during darshan without anyone following Him. He would collect and carry all the letters which devotees offered on His own. Thus, when He materialized vibhuti (holy ash) for any devotee, any student (of the Sri Sathya Sai school or college) in possession of a handkerchief could run up to Him and offer the same for Him to wipe His hands on. Naturally, the student who was seated closest to where the materialization happened was in the best position to avail this ‘handkerchief chance’! I was a regular to leap at this chance and often carried two handkerchiefs daily to mandir. In fact, my first, memorable interaction with Him was also through this kerchief chance.

Scanning through the pages of my diary, I understand that the 21st of December, 1998 was special for me because I got this handkerchief chance with Swami. What I realize today is that it was also a chance for me to experience the generosity paradox firsthand.

As always, I reached the mandir and scoured the devotees’ sitting areas for whom I felt might get vibhuti from Swami. This was like picking a ticket for a lottery because several other students with handkerchiefs in their pockets too would be on a lookout for probable places where they could avail the ‘handkerchief chance’! I finally settled in front someone who seemed lost in meditation. I felt that Vibhuti might be gifted to him as a fruit of his sadhana. Isn’t it amazing how we are constantly evaluating and judging people!

Soon, the music filled the air and the beautiful form in orange came floating into the hall. It took about fifteen minutes for Swami to come near where I was seated. He paused for a while and looked at me. Then, moving over to the opposite side, he crossed my meditating man. A couple of feet ahead, He paused again and spoke to someone. The way He took a step behind and held out His right palm, I knew that He was about to materialize something - vibhuti mostly. I tensed my muscles, ready to sprint on confirmation of the vibhuti. The next second, I was off.

A 'handkerchief chance' that was captured by a camera. The camera was a cheap one but it
captured an invaluable memory.

Swami distributed the vibhuti He had just created to several people seated there. After that He turned to me, took the handkerchief, wiped His hand thoroughly and walked on throwing the kerchief back at me. I put the kerchief into my pocket and, from my other pocket, pulled out small sheets of paper. I distributed these to the blessed ones to safely store their gifts of grace in. That was when one of the devotees, a westerner, asked me for one more sheet of paper. I was surprised but I gave it to him nevertheless. He shook his head to say no and again asked me for something, pointing to my other pocket. I realized that he was asking me for the handkerchief! I just smiled at him and ran back to my place.

Slow Miracles are also miracles - an experience with Sathya Sai

This is a story that has spanned nearly two decades... and it comes with a powerful message. The story seemed to culminate on the 22nd of November, 2010, the last Convocation of the Sri Sathya Sai Institute of Higher Learning 
in the physical presence of Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba. 

When I think of a miracle, the words that come to mind are along these lines - unimaginable, stunning, fast, mind-blowing, unbelievable, happy, unnatural, mysterious, extraordinary. I am sure that the list is much larger but this sampling of words is sufficient for my present context.  Among these words, in my opinion, a key one is ‘fast’. A miracle has to happen suddenly and fast. Then only will it be ‘unbelievable’, ‘extraordinary’, ‘mysterious’ and ‘unimaginable’. If it does not happen fast, then I don’t consider it a miracle. Speed is of essence here.

A magician puts a seed into a pot and covers the pot with a cloth. He pulls away the cloth mumbling some abracadabra and presto! There is a flowering plant. I applaud hard for him. Yet, when the same thing happens over the span of a few months in the pot in my balcony, I hardly notice. Sometimes, I don’t even pause to admire the beauty of the multi-petalled jasmine or enjoy its rich fragrance. It is all my obsession with speed. I give so much importance to speed that I applaud its presence in a magic show though I know what is happening is false but I refuse to acknowledge a true miracle of God in my balcony!

God can do things in a trice but He is not obsessed with speed! Sometimes He does things real fast; the other times he does it slow. Do I miss out on miracles in my life just because they happen slowly? I am convinced that is the case because, looking back at my life with Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba, I am slowly discovering several slow miracles that have happened. And I thought that sharing one such miracle would be my way of expressing gratitude to my Swami.

When shooting became difficult...

When I joined the Sri Sathya Sai Higher Secondary School in 1998, like many other students, my sole aim was to gain the physical proximity and blessings of Swami. One of the ways in which I intended to achieve my goal was through photography. I had been blessed with a good SLR camera thanks to my dad and I intended to put it to good use in taking me closer to my Guru and my God. However, there were multiple obstacles to this plan of mine.

1. I was not the only one with a camera or the idea of using it as a means to get closer to Swami. Several senior students and a few teachers too were regular photographers in the Sai Kulwant hall. I was possibly the most junior among all photographers. I felt that I would have to really work my way up the ladder to catch Swami’s eye.
2. It was necessary to get a permission slip from the warden in order to carry a camera to the Mandir. The Seva Dal volunteers at the gate would ask for this slip before allowing one to carry the camera inside. The warden would regulate the number of people carrying a camera lest they become a trigger-happy nuisance in the sacred temple. So, I could possibly take the camera once or twice a week for darshan. The competition for permission slips became more intense on festival days when there were greater chances of Swami spending time outside.
3. The school warden had an interesting (and, in my opinion, sadistic) strategy to combat what he considered as indiscipline and reward what he felt was discipline. He would find out what was closest to the heart to different students and deny them that as punishment. For instance, when I was protested what I thought was a wrong decision on the cricket field (where the warden was the umpire), the warden didn’t issue the camera permission slip to me for more than two months! He knew that taking the camera was so important for me and strategically punished me in that manner. This was just one example. Many lesser ‘crimes’ of mine were also punished in the same manner. Therefore, I lived in constant fear of the warden coming in the way of my plan to become a regular photographer in the Mandir.
   

I am God and You are God - Swami's core teaching

The Bourne Identity

I remember watching an action thriller movie by the name, “The Bourne Identity”. It was the story of an amnesiac (person suffering a memory-loss) who attempts to discover his true identity. He has many special skills, talents, abilities and a super intelligence. Yet, he has no idea about who he is, where he came from and where he should be headed to. He keeps living in the world, enjoying many successes and the love of a companion while constantly trying to avoid the pitfalls, problems and plots against him. More importantly, he is also trying to find out who he is and where he came from using all his abilities and intelligence.

The movie was indeed a ‘thriller’ for me as it thrilled me in more than one way! Of course, the action and the unfolding of the plot kept me gripped but even amidst that tension and drama, my dear Swami inspired a thought from within. 

A still from the movie - Bourne Identity. The 'hero' has multiple identities (read as passports) but none of them are his true identity. 

All of us are like the protagonist in that movie. We have our own set of special skills, talents, abilities and intelligence. But, we have no idea of where we have come from, where we are going to and who we are. We have become amnesiacs in that respect! We too should take inspiration from the protagonist and utilize all our skills, abilities and intelligence in finding out our true identities. More often than not, we use them to just to deal with day-to-day living and forget all about the quest. Seeking the reality should happen at least in the theoretical and intellectual level before becoming a part of our being!

That is why Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba often stresses, 
“Education should be for life and not for mere living.” 

Our "Born" Identity

It was during one of the famous Trayee Sessions at the Brindavan Ashram in Whitefield (Bengaluru) that the following episode took place.

Trayee sessions were always memorable but this one was poignant too in the message it conveyed.

Swami entered the jhoola room (the room where there is an ornate swing on which Swami sits). Even as He walked in, it appeared as though He was lost in thought. After a while, He looked at the students and asked,
“Do you all believe that I am God?”

Sitting among the students, I wondered what sort of a question this was -

"Was the Lord in doubt? He has been the one who has always encouraged me to develop Self-confidence and He is asking this question today?"

These were the foolish thoughts that cross a deluded mind and mine was in total delusion. I joined the chorus of all the students as we screamed out, 

“Yes Swami.”

Swami seemed to feel a little better. And then, He made a second statement which was like another question for us...

“Then, all that I speak is the Truth...”

That was more of a statement than a question and we all responded in the same enthusiasm and energy,
“Yes Swami.”

In an instant, Swami said,
“All of you are also God.”

There was pin-drop silence. Everyone just looked at Him. There was no resounding, “Yes Swami” for that statement. We 'believe' Swami is God and 'believe' that all His words are the 'Highest Truth' but can simply not digest it when He says that we are no different from Him! 

When I look back at this incident today, I feel that Swami might have been disappointed with us that day!

Believing we are God - the 'gravity' of the situation

Swami's core teaching is the fact that everyone is divine. When asked about whether he was God, Swami replied,

“Yes, I am God and so are you. The only difference between you and I is that while I am aware of this fact, you are not.”

However, we do not seem to accept this Truth. We find it difficult to ‘believe’ that and so, life which was meant to be a beautiful dream of the Lord, turns into a nightmare!

But wait a minute! What is the big deal in believing we are God?

There is a HUGE deal in fact! That is because, whether we believe it or not, the fact remains - just like the working of gravity.

There was once a person who pooh-poohed gravity saying that he did not believe it existed. However hard anybody tried to convince him with theories and experiments, he was simply not ready to believe in gravity's existence. A wise man told him to step of the terrace of a tall building for he did not believe in gravity. The ‘hero’ backed off! Whether one believes in gravity or not, it exists and works. So too, whether we believe in our divinity or not, it works and every thought that arises in us is indeed the Vajra Sankalpa.Our will is as powerful as the Will of God for it is indeed the Will of God!

And THAT is the greatest secret of life!

Now we see the practical implications. Every time a negative thought arises in our head, we are actually God willing something negative. Though it is only the positive that we seek, we end up thinking negative. For instance, we want to have good relations with everyone around and do not want to hate or abhor anyone. However, when a ‘marked’ person comes close we start thinking,
“Oh my god! Here he comes. I know now he is going to irritate me!”

And when the outcome happens just as we thought, we feel that though we seek good, we end up with bad. It is not the intent but the content of our thoughts that matter. For our thoughts are the thoughts of God!

My mind instantly flashed back to the 21st of July, 2008. It was the second day of the Educare conference in Prasanthi Nilayam, Puttaparthi. Swami had granted a very special opportunity for the participants to ask questions of Him. He would answer them personally, He had promised. The first question and answer was in itself sufficient for life, nay lifetimes together.

1) For students, what is the way to have a relationship with God?

Ans - Why students alone? God is in you. Live in Love as one with God. It is only when God is considered as separate that you need a relationship. He is not separate. God is in me and is me. Have this identity firmly entrenched in your being.

And that is our ‘Born’ identity - So Hum!

If you enjoyed this, here are another article on the same theme. It is about the day when Swami, the Lord, prostrated to His devotees! 

The final Namaskar - the ultimate message of Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba



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Why should I be good? An answer inspired by the Master...

A small episode at the Yajur Mandir

It was a warm afternoon in the divine hamlet of Puttaparthi. Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba or Swami (as devotees reverentially address Him) was at His residence in the Yajur Mandir. He was listening to the Radiosai broadcast that day. Along with Him was also a lad who was massaging His feet. The discussion on the radio was on an interesting subject - whether atheists also could get liberation or the realization of the Ultimate Reality.

Prof. G.Venkatraman, a Padma Shri awardee in 1991 and the director at the Radiosai studios was fielding the above question. The answer he gave was this,
“No! Atheists cannot attain liberation. But if the atheist is a good person who does noble deeds, then, he will be blessed with a next birth into a god-loving family. Then, he will be able to attain liberation/salvation.”

While that answer by the professor seems like a convincing one for every theist, the lad who was with Swami was very intrigued by this question. He felt that maybe that was not the complete answer. Thus, he too was lost in his own thoughts about the question. After a while, he made bold to ask Swami,

“Swami, can atheists also attain liberation?”
Swami smiled and replied,

“Yes! Anyone who can give up dehabhimanam can achieve liberation.”

Dehabhimanam - What is it?

Before I proceed any further, let us clarify how Swami defines dehabhimanam or ego as it is termed in English. Ego is wrongly identified as vanity and pride. Swami states that ego refers to ‘false-identification’. Ego arises when an individual considers himself/herself as the body-mind complex. That is when the concept of ‘mine’ and ‘thine’ comes up. One begins to feel that this is ‘my family’, that is ‘my home’ or this is ‘my job’. Naturally, along with this also come the feelings that this is ‘not my problem’, that is ‘not my friend’ or this is ‘not my job’.

Swami says that when one feels as a separate entity, a being distinct from everyone and everything else, this is false-identification/ego/dehabhimanam. When one realizes the Truth that everyone and everything in the universe is a spark/subset of the same divinity and thus feels unity with all, that is correct-identification/egolessness/daivabhimanam.

And here was Swami saying that anybody who is able to give up false-identification or ego will attain liberation (irrespective of whether one is good or bad, theist or atheist).

A train of thoughts

Experience had taught me that every word of Swami is Truth itself. In fact, innumerable have been the instances which have proved that His word is the vedavakya and that once it is said even casually or in jest, it is bound to be true. So when I heard about this statement that Swami made, I was lost in thoughts of my own. And am sure, anybody who reads this statement too may get such thoughts. They went like this,

“If everyone is equally capable of attaining the ultimate/liberation, then why this emphasis on being devoted to God?" The mind is a specialist in extrapolation. Extrapolating Swami’s statement and needling me a little deeper, it asks,
"If everyone can get liberation, then does God not distinguish even between the ‘good’ people and the ‘bad’ people?”

I was plagued by this thought and try as hard as I did, I was not able to figure out an answer. Recently, I walked to my altar and sat in peace and quiet. I just prayed and told Swami,

“If both the theist and the atheist, the good and the bad have equal chance of attaining liberation, why should one love God or be good? Does not the Lord support the good and the devoted?” (Please note that this thought, in no way, intends to equate theists with 'goodness' and atheists with 'badness'! )

And then, there was silence as I sat. After a while, an answer formed within,

Being Good and Appearing Good, both are important_Part 3

That was my feeling towards Swami as I thought about the whole thing...

Not faxes but acceptance

The fax had been received but apparently, my apology had not been accepted. During the darshan, the ignoring continued. Swami refused to look towards me and I did not feel like making any extra efforts to draw His attention. The next day, in the morning, I went to the fax shop and sent another one. This was a longer apology and I pleaded with Swami that I would not be so foolish again (as though it was totally in my control)! The evening darshan turned out to be a repeat of the previous days as far as Swami breaking the ice with me was concerned.

That night, I thought that there was nothing more that could be done in terms of ‘apologising’ or ‘explaining’ via letters. I decided that my third fax to Swami would also be the final one. In it, I wrote that Swami knew everything. He was the resident of my heart and even if my own mind and hand made mistakes in putting out what my heart held, He would not misunderstand. I surrendered to Him saying that I was ready for whatever He wished and I would not be writing any more apology letters. Having sent that, my mind felt at ease for the first time. That is the magic of acceptance and surrender. When one is ready to embrace whatever God has planned, the mind rests and all tensions/stresses vanish. Things immediately seem to improve though Swami’s behaviour towards me did not change.

{This is the third part of this story which will make better sense if read after the first two parts. In case you have missed it, the first part is at the link below:

Being Good and Appearing Good, both are important_Part 1

Being Good and Appearing Good, both are important_Part 2}

Then came the evening of the 24th of December. It was exactly one year to the day when Swami had accepted my offer to be my best friend! It had been an unforgettable occasion. Today, one year later, it was ironical that we were not even on terms of looking each other in the eye! There was a programme by the overseas devotees celebrating Christmas Eve. And here I was wiping away my tears on the 1st anniversary of best-friendship! I was seated far away from Swami. It was good in a way because nothing is more painful than sitting under His nose and being completely ignored by Him.

Sitting far away from Him on the 1st year anniversary of my "best-friendship" day!

Before going forward with the story, I must share a few thoughts here on being good and appearing good.

Heartfelt explanation

When the question of being good or appearing good comes up, most of us tend to lean towards being good, irrespective of how we appear to the world. The argument given is that it is definitely impossible to please everyone. Aesop has given us a famous fable in his inimitable style to impress this very message.  

Being Good and Appearing Good, both are important_Part 2

That sinking feeling...

I began to walk towards no particular direction. Possibly because I had planned to go for that dinner, my feet automatically took me towards Round Building 5 where the others had gathered. I did not know what to do. I replayed the happenings during the evening darshan. I had thought that the elderly person offering the rose to Swami did not have the good luck to get a photo with Swami where the Lord was smiling and posing. I realized that I had been a culprit who had ruined that opportunity for the devotee! My heart was racing. My emotions were on high octane and the predominant ones were those of fear and sorrow.

I pulled out my phone and dialled Sai Prakash’s number. He was several years my senior and had gone through many ups and downs in life. He would surely be able to help in some way.

“Hey tell me...” his cheerful voice came over the handset.

I almost broke down telling him all that had happened. I vented continuously and the fear in my voice was palpable for him. I felt that I might be thrown out of Puttaparthi and that was my greatest fear.

“Barru, see the bright spot. Focus only on that...”

“CG! What bright spot do you see in this man? All I see is pitch darkness...”

“Swami cares for you enough to scold and correct you... That is His love - nothing else.”

“Frankly CG, I wouldn’t mind if Swami cared a little less about me. I am really scared and ... what will my parents think about me? I will never be able to forgive myself for having thrown away such an opportunity.”

“That’s not the way to take it. I assure you that this is an opportunity. Recognize it and put in efforts.”

{This is the second part of this story which will make better sense if read after the first part.)

Being Good and Appearing Good, both are important_Part 1}

The call did not give me much solace though I hoped that whatever CG had told me was true. I was reminded of how Mother Sita had been banished to the forest by Lord Rama because a washerman had passed some loose comment about her. It was not as if I was anywhere as ‘chaste’ or ‘pure’ as Mother Sita. Still, I shared the similarity with her that I had appeared to society as if I was in the wrong and my Lord seemed to have punished me for it.

God’s wrongdoings?

Time has this magical way of lending maturity and wisdom to the naivest of people. Over time, I have definitely understood that God is never vengeful. He knows the past, present and future and every decision He takes is for the best from all perspectives. But my perspective is limited. So, feeling that God is not a very loving being is because of my limitations and not His!

For instance, I remember this very thoughtful extrapolation that a Sai-brother had done to the Sita situation. He wrote to me:

Mother Sita was blessed with the opportunity to focus on a spiritual
life and the upbringing of her children alone!

“What would have happened if Rama had not abandoned (if i can use that word) Sita? A simple logic (from a worldly point of view or rather a common man's perspective with sanity) shows that this washerman's evil ideas could have taken a much larger proportion which could have created terrible repercussions. Imagine, if instead of this washerman, someone inside the Ayodhya palace had said this and Mother Sita had heard it. Imagine if after Luv and Kush's birth someone had  raised similar questions.

Rama indeed cared for Sita and loved her. More importantly, to uphold the respect of woman he "isolated" her from this evil society, and provided her an opportunity to prove herself. In fact, in Ramakatha Rasavahini Swami says that Rama asks Sita for a wish and she expresses her willingness to spend time in the pious Ashram environment hearing the glories of the Lord. Rama was indeed an ideal man who used this moment as the right opportunity to save both Sita and the people's minds. It’s like uprooting the weeds before weeds destroy the whole garden. Ideally Rama and Sita both could have left Ayodhya once they realized that people did not respect them. However it was Rama's commitment to Praja that made him stop.  Ramayana could not have had a better ending than Luv & Kush themselves proving the chastity of Mother sita and everybody in Ayodhya accepting that - we need to have pure thoughts while witnessing Divinity.”

I may or may not agree 100% with that extrapolation. But I totally subscribe to this brother’s concluding statement that ONLY PURITY CAN HELP VIEW DIVINITY. Thus, God never does wrong.

With that little detour, I continue back with my story where I was left with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

Being Good and Appearing Good, both are important_Part 1

Not being good; not appearing good - bad but honest, the reckless

Being good; not appearing good - good but vulnerable, the foolish

Being good; appearing good  - good and honest, the ideal

Not being good; appearing good - bad and evil, the devil

• Wise Man’s saying

Well, the wise man there is me and I gained that wisdom based generally on several experiences in life and specifically on one unforgettable and painful experience with my Master and best friend, Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba. This incident spanning a couple of months began on a nice note but soon developed into proportions that I had never imagined. But as is the case always with Swami, the ‘messenger’ ceased to exist once the ‘message’ had been received. It took me several years to digest the experience and, even to this day, I cannot claim to have completely digested and understood it. But I surely have learned a very important lesson. I shall open my heart about the same now.

A memorable flight back home

The story begins on the 2nd of November 2009 as we returned with Swami to Puttaparthi after a memorable visit to Hadshi and Mumbai. Swami had blessed everyone with an opportunity to take a picture alongside Him during the chartered flight and I was the photographer there. Beside me was my colleague, Sai Prakash, with the video camera. As the session progressed, the crew members began to serve food and beverages to the passengers. The food cart blocked the aisle temporarily and it was just the two of us with Swami. We simply sat looking at each other for a while.

A beautiful moment with my Swami that I shall treasure forever - dated 2nd November, 2009. 

After a silent wait, I felt an irrepressible urge in me to speak to Him. I made a slight movement towards Him and as He looked kindly, so I felt encouraged to go ahead. I said,

“Swami, my parents had Your darshan; they were very happy.”

Swami asked, "When are they coming here?"

“Swami, after father's retirement in May, they will come and settle down here itself.”

Swami nodded saying, “Santosham (Very happy)”. I continued,

“One more thing, Swami. Mother keeps crying out ‘Swami’, ‘Swami’, ... Please grant her namaskar once when she comes to Puttaparthi. Once You speak to her, she will be so happy.”

He nodded in agreement. But then He responded with a question of His own,

"She keeps telling ‘Swami’, ‘Swami’... What about you?"

I was dumbstruck. I mumbled and fumbled a bit and said,

"Swami, You know what I feel. You are most important for me."

It was then that Swami said ever so softly,

"You are taking a girl and going on your bike."
Wow! Was I taken aback at this omniscience! I remembered that I had, a few weeks before, indeed taken a high-school girl to the Super Specialty hospital in Puttaparthi for ophthalmology treatment. This girl’s parents were family friends and I was doing them a favour by taking her for her treatment. I said,

"Swami that was... er...a sister."
He said,

"If it's sister, it's alright... But not sister... You made her sister.”

It was true. She was not my biological sister. I just nodded. I was not sure whether Swami was upset with me being with her or going on the bike with her. Then, I told Him,

"Swami if you say, I shall give up using the bike itself."

I had purchased the bike because it had become difficult to follow Swami with my camera on my bicycle when He made visits to the hospital, grounds etc. Even when I succeeded in keeping pace with Him, I would end up sweaty and panting for breath. I had tried to get the bike blessed by Swami, trying to show Him the keys. That had not happened so far. But now, I wanted to stress that for me He was the most important and that I would gladly give up bike riding itself if He had the slightest problem with it.