God does not call the qualified; God qualifies the called - Part 1

The voice of God

Many times, the question often is asked,

“How does one distinguish between the voice of God and the voice of the mind?”

This is difficult to explain precisely because an experience can only be experienced and not explained. However, as long as we live with a mind, we shall never cease to seek explanations. And so, based on Swami’s guidance and teachings, there are some practical ways to distinguish between the mind and the heart. I still maintain that the best way is to seek that experience of hearing the Divine Voice from within, for, once the voice of God is heard, there will be no doubt as to how one can distinguish between it and the mind’s prattle.

There is no single way by which the voice of God comes to us. If there are as many ways to God, as there are many people on earth, there are at least those many ways by which God can speak to us! The Voice can come to us as an inspiration, as a dream, as some text in a book, an idea or even as a direct command which our ears perceive. Though it can come in myriad ways, when it actually comes, one just can not miss the Voice. Having ‘heard’ that voice, a sense of calm descends and a happy anticipation arises within oneself. That was exactly what happened on the 7th of December, 2013, as I woke up in the city of Chennai.

I had a dream of my Lord, my best friend, my Swami, Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba. That put me in a state of great peace. As I got ready to meet the day, one Christian quote kept bobbing within me. I had not thought about it or read about it in the near past. I had heard it years before during a Trayee session when the speaker mentioned it in Swami’s presence. There was no reason why that quote should have surfaced in me (at least, at that time it felt so). Little did I realize that Swami was actually gifting me the title for a new blog-post!

Yes! That quote was:

“God does not call the qualified; God qualifies the called.”

Whenever one reads an article, one sees the heading before delving into the actual body of the article. Swami, in His infinite love, seemed to be doing the same for me too. Even as I was pondering over the meaning and profundity of the above quote, I met Mr.Nitin Kanade, an alumnus of the Sri Sathya Sai Institute of Higher Learning (SSSIHL), currently residing in Chennai with his wife and two sweet little daughters.  He narrated the ‘story of his life’ and the quote attained greater meaning for me. And so, instead of delving into the quote, I shall dive into his unique and thrilling story.

When the call comes...

Right from his birth in Nagpur in 1973, Nitin grew up with Swami. His father was serving in the Indian Air Force and so was regularly transferred to different parts of the country. Wherever Nitin went, he always was ‘in touch’ with Swami. A regular in Bal Vikas classes, he took Swami as his God just like his parents before him. However, the amazing thing is that till 1989, 16 long years after his birth, he never had even one darshan of Bhagawan Baba! Little did he know that the first darshan would be the turning point in his life (just as it has been in several others’ lives as well).

How his first darshan happened in May 1989 is an interesting prelude to his story. Having completed high-school education, Nitin was bent upon pursuing a career as a doctor. He applied to many prestigious colleges and was having a tough time in deciding where he would actually study. In the meanwhile, his father who was keen that Nitin be under Swami’s love and care, applied to the SSSIHL for the Bachelors of Science course. Nitin was surprised when the application form for the Institute arrived home. This was definitely not a place he wanted to be in because he felt that a BSc degree would not fetch him any career worth its name.

When God calls, one has to respond
without a choice!

And so he protested. He did not fill out the application form. Instead, he just let it be in a corner of his study table. It was weeks later that his father found it, dusted it and filled it himself. The last date for the submission of application forms was already round the corner. He played an emotional card with Nitin,

“Son! I have allowed you to do whatever you like so far. Can’t you fulfill one wish of your father? I am not asking you to join this Institute; I just want you to apply and write the entrance test. Will you lose anything by just doing that much for your father?”

Nitin felt bad. He immediately took the filled application form and posted it to Puttaparthi. His father was happy and so was he because he knew in the inner recesses of his heart that he would never get a call letter - how could he if the last date for submission of application forms would elapse in the next couple of days? There was no way that the posted application could travel all the way to Puttaparthi from his current residence in Chandigarh in just 2 days. Nitin did not know then that when the Lord decides to enter one’s life, no force on earth can stop Him!

Within a week, he received a call letter. He had been selected to write the entrance examinations for BSc at the SSSIHL!

I came, I saw, I was conquered

Nitin and his father set out together for Puttaparthi. The bookings that they had got ensured that they would be arriving at Puttaparthi on the evening before the entrance examinations. However, a 10-hour delay (which was common in long-distance trains in India in those days) caused them to reach Dharmavaram on the day of the exams. Nitin had a bath on a platform at the Dharmavaram railway station itself before starting off for Puttaparthi in a rickety bus.

The duo landed right in front of the main entrance of Prasanthi Nilayam, at the temple of Lord Ganesha, the remover of obstacles. Praying to him and placing their luggage in the large accommodation shed (that existed next to the Ganesha temple those days), they rushed to the Institute campus. Nitin was just in time for the entrance exam! He wrote the exams and also attended the interview and group discussion. It would take nearly a week before the results would be announced.

NItin’s father had bookings to leave for Chandigarh. He was in for a pleasant surprise though. Nitin told him,

“Dad! You please go ahead, I shall stay on here, in this shed, till the results are announced.” Surprised but glad at this change of heart in Nitin, his father left. Nitin had no idea what made him speak thus .Today he knows that it was the case of Swami at work!

Swami was then at His Bangalore ashram, Brindavan in Whitefield, where He would stay till the end of summer in June. Nitin thought of seeing Him after the results were announced. Since he was free during the whole day, he volunteered to help in the ashram. He met and enlisted under a certain Mr. Wadegaonkar. Mr.Wadegaonkar was the unofficial head of the toughest service group of the ashram - the sanitation group. Inspired by him, Nitin eagerly and enthusiastically got involved in cleaning several septic tanks in Prasanthi Nilayam.

“Just a minute”, I interrupted his narrative, “you who did not want to even come to Puttaparthi, was now staying there and cleaning drains and septic tanks? How did you get this change of heart?”

“I don’t know what happened. But I just fell in love with the place and everything around. I loved sweating it out. I never felt that I was amidst excrement. I felt that I was surrounded by great love and divine peace! In fact, I was now sincerely hoping to get a seat at the SSSIHL.”

That is definitely some statement on the power of selfless service - it inspires, is self-sustaining and it transforms.

As was the practice those days, Nitin too accompanied all the volunteers of the sanitation group to Brindavan, Whitefield for blessings.

“We were told that Swami would give us padanamaskar. That did not happen. Something grander took place. As Swami walked out of His residence, I was entranced. I did not know what was happening to me but a surge of great joy and supreme peace welled within me. What I felt is simply indescribable. It was maddeningly beautiful and overwhelming. People say that when you see Swami, it is wonderful, when He sees you it is magical and if you get an interview it is absolute fulfillment. But that day, I felt fulfilled and complete in just seeing Him. I felt that I needed nothing else in life.”

Thus was Nitin conquered. It was love at first sight. And so, when Prof. Nanjundiah announced the names of the selected candidates in Swami’s presence, Nitin waited with bated breath. Sure enough, his name was called out too and he felt exulted. This, he felt, was the greatest achievement of his life - a blessing from the heavens above. He immediately dispatched a telegram to his father announcing the good news.

An unexpected death blow

On the 4th of June 1989, Nitin Kanade became a ‘Sai-student’. His happiness knew no bounds. He felt that he had never been happier in his life and looked forward to years of love with his Sai. But destiny had other plans.

It landed its first blow when the results of the XII grade Board Exams were announced. He had failed in Chemistry! This meant that he was ineligible to embark on any University course in India. He kept quiet about it but these things do not tend to remain quiet.

One day, in the middle of the class, he was summoned by the principal of the College, ‘Mahajan sir’. Mahajan sir told him that he could not be a student of the SSSIHL because he was not academically qualified to be one! The next day, Sri. K. Chakravarthi, the registrar of the Institute summoned him. Returning all the submitted certificates he told him to leave the institute and the hostel campus. There was nothing that could be done about it because those were the rules. The rules remain the same even to this day.

As a teary-eyed Nitin was wending his way out of the college building, the shutters of the exit door suddenly were closed. Nitin wondered what was happening and was told that Swami was driving on the road towards the hostel. He did not like any students loitering on the streets.

“The students must either be in college, in hostel or in the mandir. Why should they be loitering on streets?” He would often ask.

So, as a preventive measure, the college shutters would be pulled down especially when Swami went out for a drive.

As Nitin had been kicked out of college, Swami had come out and the shutters of the exit had been closed. Just like any of us, Nitin missed the symbolism in all these signs. He stood crying at the door, not realizing that Swami does not call based on qualifications. His call, in fact, is the greatest qualification in itself!

A lecturer of the college, Sai Giridhar, who knew this Truth about Swami and also knew Nitin’s plight, called him to a side. He told him,

“Don’t think all is lost. Swami is always there as the greatest refuge. He is going to the hostel to see the students’ music practice for Guru Poornima. You too go there. Things will change. You may not need to leave tomorrow...”

“But how do I go to the hostel when these doors are closed?” cried Nitin.

“Follow me”, said Giridhar sir, holding the ‘key’ to his problem.

Nitin sneaked out of the college as Giridhar sir took the risk to let him out. He ran to his hostel and scaled the wall since that gate was also locked. From there he went to the entrance of the hostel where he came face to face with the warden, Sri. Narayan Rao. And Sri.Narayan Rao’s face swelled in anger when he saw him. What was this student doing in the hostel when Swami had come there for witnessing the music practice? The fact that Nitin would be leaving and he could upset Swami with his ‘indiscipline’ (which could later affect the entire student community) only angered the warden even more.

“Stop there”, he commanded.

Was the warden Sri Narayana Rao (to Swami's immediate right) destined become an obstacle for Nitin (the
boy in spectacles to warden's right)? Read the second part to witness the unfolding of a drama divine.
Also seen to the extreme right of the photograph is Venkatachalam sir, the kitchen in-charge.

... to be continued in Part 2 located in the link below:

God does not call the qualified; God qualifies the called - Part 2

For all readers:

(If you enjoyed this and wish to subscribe to this blog, please go to the right hand side and choose the last 'box' which says subscribe. Another blog which I maintain with more than 200 articles on it is at http://aravindb1982.hubpages.com You may visit that at your leisure. If you wish to be added to my mailing list, please email me via this page with the subject "ADD ME TO MAILING LIST".

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Accepting God's Presents and Presence

My sour-sweet story continues

Swami was slated to take off for Delhi on the 9th of April.  The one week before that turned to be a sour-sweet one for me. 

(Dear reader, in case you are reading directly from here, I would request you to take a few minutes off, read the first part and then come back here to enjoy the story completely. The first part is located at the link below
Living in the Present: Sure way to avoid sorrow )

Well, am sure that Swami had planned things to be sweet for me because that is His Will always. But my petty mind in its preoccupation with the past and future soured those very same sweet things. Let me elucidate it with one more diary entry, the 4th of April this time.

I finally managed to be with my dear Swami on board the aircraft bound to Delhi. But the lessons
I imbibed from the 'wait' are invaluable.

Swami came after 5:15 for darshan. He read through a lot of letters as He sat for the bhajans on stage. He went into the interview room for about 20 minutes. He came out and a few bhajans later, received Aarthi. A large-sized, colour-clothed and moustached man came for the "elder-rose" chance. (For those that might not know: Swami had blessed all the permanent volunteers doing service in the Ashram for more than 5 years with the chance to offer a rose to Him during Aarthi everyday. Based on seniority, these turns were being taken.) I took a picture as Swami blessed him. Swami then asked for prasadam. When the vibhuti basket was given to Him, Swami said that He wanted the edible prasadam. Soon, even as Samastha Lokaha chant went on, trays filled with little ‘Munch’ chocolates were brought. Swami blessed the trays. He also took one chocolate and kept in His hand. As the prasadam distributors were dispatched, He looked at me and threw the chocolate to me. I went ahead and picked up the chocolate. Then, through the railings, I put my hand and took padanamaskar. I felt so happy and He was watching me lovingly all the while I was taking the namaskar.

Now that was such a thrilling evening. I had so much joy flooding the heart. I almost floated to the studio - my feet seemed to be in the air. I sat in the comfort of my chamber, put on the air-conditioner and decided to ‘munch’ on the sweet gift that the Lord had gifted me with so much love. Anybody in my place would have continued to be in a blissful heaven but not me!

Even as I unwrapped the chocolate, thoughts of all such ‘chances’ that I would be missing by not being on the Delhi-Simla trip flooded me. And so, instead of being cheerful, I now became wistful. The ‘chance’ that Swami had bestowed on me a few minutes before only seemed to enhance my sadness because I was feeling that I would be missing all that in the near future.

Planning for joy

I had already decided that I would not be ‘asking’ Swami directly to take me. The letter regarding my inclusion had not been accepted. I did not know what else I could do. Interestingly, almost every day, Swami gave me a little chance - a smile, a word, a touch - but I did not even record those in my personal diary because I was too busy rueing the loss of a trip with Him! I was in desperate need to cheer myself. And so, I began to plan a trip.

The Maha Kumbh Mela was to happen at Haridwar in the month of April. Touted as the largest pilgrimage on earth, this Kumbh Mela would be a gathering of about 100 million people and I felt that it would be an apt substitute for traveling with Swami. Added to this was the fact that Haridwar is quite close to Delhi. I inwardly told Swami,

“Swami, you are not taking me with you. But I too shall be enjoying a spiritual vacation. I may not spend time with your physical frame but I shall be part of the historical Kumbh Mela which none of the Delhi-Simla trip candidates can be!”

That brought a smile on my face and I busied myself in the bookings and travel arrangements. My parents in Mumbai also booked their tickets to Delhi from where we would all be proceeding to Haridwar.

All these plans came to nought in the next darshan session itself when Swami made enquiries about the trip from several people. I received my smile and padanamaskar, but this time, I did not even enjoy the momentary happiness! Without my knowledge, my obsession with the future was eroding and killing away the joy that was available in abundance in the present.

Days passed thus till it was the 7th of April. All the ‘selected ones’ had been called for a final briefing by Giri sir. My two colleagues from the studio too went to attend that meeting after lunch. I locked myself in my room in the studio. Though I had made many plans to ‘enjoy’ the next 10 days, I was feeling miserable and lonely. All my ‘planning’ for joy seemed to be in vain.

A revelation

It was a few minutes past 2pm when my cellphone began to ring. It was from my colleague, CG, who had made it for the trip. I was in no mood to pick his call.

“He may be calling me to seek some help because he has very little time left to get ready for the trip...”, I said to myself in a mocking tone.

When the phone kept ringing, I could not help but pick it up.

“Sairam...”

“Aravind!! Can you come out of the studio?” It was CG’s excited voice.

“For what?”

“Just come out for a minute man...”

“Errr... I am sort of busy...”

“Nothing doing! Just come out. This is urgent.”

I wiped the melancholic look off my face, unlocked my room door and walked out of the studio. CG and Sai Krishna (aka Bond) came running to me with gleeful grins pasted across their faces. The words I heard stunned me into silence.

“Hey! YOU ARE ON THE TRIP MAN!”

“Me? But how... I mean... that’s great... but...”, I continued to stammer in disbelief.

“You won’t believe it. After the meeting concluded, Giri sir said that all this while, he had forgotten to call one student - Anand. We were all wondering who this Anand was when he clarified that it was ‘photographer’ Anand.”

I had been part of a Radio satsangh series in which my name was Anand. Ever since then, Giri sir had always called me Anand.

“We confirmed whether it was you and Giri sir told us to inform you that you should be ready and set for the trip!”, completed CG excitedly.

Cloud nine

In an instant, all my sorrow vanished. I was back to my best spirits. This had been a startling turn of events for me and I just could not believe what had happened. Now my mind was a whirlpool of all the things that had to be done. I started off with canceling the Kumbh Mela plan. I told my parents to keep their tickets, land at Delhi and stay on there for daily darshan. Then, I went to my room to pick the white clothes needed for the trip. I was so happy that, even now, as I type this, I feel a surge of joy welling up within me. You can only imagine how powerful that joy was.

Was it a coincidence that I was once again living in the present and I was in joyful times again?

That evening, as Swami arrived for darshan, my heart was pouring out gratitude. When ‘good’ things happen, we are thankful to God. We are convinced that He is planning everything for the best. If only we could retain the same faith when something ‘bad’ happens too! But when it comes to ‘bad’ things, we immediately start questioning God’s wisdom and pray for ‘succour’. When God is the most powerful and most loving along with being the most wise, is it not logical that even the ‘bad’ things that He does for us are also actually good?

When Swami was passing by me, I gently touched His lotus feet, like I used to do daily. However, today, there were extra feelings of love and gratitude in my heart. My eyes were closed as I poured heartfelt thanks to Him for ‘including’ me in the trip. I felt a hand gently fall on my shoulder. Thrilled at this benediction from Swami, a tear almost formed in my eye. I opened my eyes to look at the possibly love-exuding face of my Lord who had tapped me on my shoulder.

To my consternation, I saw that it was not Swami’s hand - it was Giri sir’s! He was walking behind Swami’s wheel-seat. Swami had proceeded ahead and he had tapped my shoulder. Quickly wiping my tear, I looked at him questioningly. He asked me,

“You have been informed right? You are on-board the trip. You know it?”

I smiled nodded in assurance to him. He knew that it had slipped his mind to inform me and, so, he was making doubly sure that the ‘mistake’ was not repeated.

I was happy at this added confirmation that in another day’s time, I too would be in the clouds with my Swami, flying towards the Indian capital city.

Two significant lessons

Looking back at this episode which marked the beginning of an unforgettable trip, two lessons stand out. The first one obviously is about living in the present. Many times later in life too, I have seen how dwelling on either the past or future is the root cause of all sorrows, frustrations and depression. Living in the present, in the NOW, is very powerful and redeeming. This too has been concretised in me via examples like my colleague, Raghuram Bhat, who is happy and smiling in spite of having everything to complain about in life!

The second lesson hit me as I walked back to my studio room after darshan on the 7th April 2010. Llooking at it from Swami’s perspective, there was no need to console me or accept my letter because I was ‘selected’ for the trip. Swami must have ‘wondered’ why I was writing such letters when I was already ‘on’ for the trip. Of course He knows everything, but from a practical angle He must’ve pondered,

“Why is this boy so sad and upset? I don’t understand... I have already granted all he needs.”

God always gives us all we need - without fail or delay, even before we ask for it. But then, we confuse our wants with needs and feel sad. That is precisely why Swami, in His 9-point code of conduct, included the practice of ‘Ceiling on Desires’. That will probably be the subject of another article! :)

After granting the vision of the Cosmic Form on the battlefield of Kurukshetra amidst the narration of the Bhagawad Gita, Lord Krishna told Arjuna,

“Make no mistake Arjuna, thinking that you are killing the Kauravas. I have already killed them (in time). Now, you just have to be my instrument and do your duty sincerely.”

God does everything and remains as though He does nothing while we do nothing and assume that we do everything. Whatever happens in life, it should be my sadhana to accept it with the wisdom that all that needs to be done has been done by the Lord. My efforts should be to get this acceptance and, via that, live in the present always, maintaining my equanimity.

But, is it really true that God is the ‘doer’ of everything? Well, I do not wish to get into a debate because while one line of thought says God is the Doer of everything, another line of thought says that God is the Eternal Witness. As long as we stick to any one line of thought and not conveniently (actually inconveniently) shift between the two as per our life situations, we are fine. From that perspective, God indeed is the doer of everything. All is well for all is in His hands. Let us live in the present, have equanimity and enjoy peace.

Samastha Lokaha Sukhino Bhavantu - May all the beings in all world be happy.


If you liked reading this, you might also like:

1. How Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba helped make my career choice

2. When selflessness disguises itself as selfishness

3. The Bourne Identity - "Who am I"

4. Sachin Tendulkar and Sathya Sai - the story of the little master and his 'little' Master

For all readers:

(If you enjoyed this and wish to subscribe to this blog, please go to the right hand side and choose the last 'box' which says subscribe. Another blog which I maintain with more than 200 articles on it is at http://aravindb1982.hubpages.com You may visit that at your leisure. If you wish to be added to my mailing list, please email me via this page with the subject "ADD ME TO MAILING LIST".

Also, use the Tweet and FB buttons below here liberally to share with your friends and family! Thank you)

Living in the present - sure way to avoid all sorrows

Taken from the animation movie - Kung Fu Panda

Past is past.

Future is uncertain.

Present not an ordinary present; it is the ‘omni’present.

- Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba

Not once or twice, I have heard my Swami state this many times. In fact, I am so accustomed to hearing it that even as He begins with the first line, I have already completed the rest in my mind. However rote learning and repetition of a phrase is no indicator of one’s understanding of it. And I must say that the power of the ‘present’ that God gifts us is overwhelmingly immense. This ‘present’, if unwrapped and lived to the fullest, has the ability to bestow great calm and peace. All the fears, worries, sorrows and the like result from us living either in the past or future. If we are able to forever ‘be’, then we are always in a state of peace. But then, as Baba beautifully puts it, being is lost in becoming. We seem to be perpetual time-travelers, restless to get out of the present and live in the past or future!

Let us understand this with one example of what anyone will consider as a tragedy - the loss of a beloved due to death.

Just imagine, if someone who is dear to you is suddenly hit by a moving car and is in death throes. What do you do? You immediately rush with first aid and summon an ambulance. Once the victim is in a doctor’s custody, you call the family and close friends. The doctor comes out and says that the patient is critical and is in need of a few pints of blood. You do your best to organize the necessary blood. The patient is put on external support and is stable, though critical. You now begin a two pronged approach - taking expert advice and opinions from different sources on one hand and praying for the recovery of your dear one on the other. Hours and days pass this way when, one day, the doctor says that its up; the patient is no more.

You reel from the shock and sit in a daze. Now, the tears well up. Without realizing it, you are already crying. The tears turn bitter and within moments you are sobbing. It is definitely a vulnerable and emotional moment.

Isn’t this a very plausible scenario that has been drawn up? Only the yogis will disagree! Yet, this very scenario, when analysed in the light of wisdom (which is unemotional), holds a great lesson for all about the power of the ‘present’ or the ‘Power of Now’ as Eckhart Tolle puts it.

When a tragedy strikes, we somehow are given all the intelligence, energies and resources needed to respond - call the ambulance, administer first aid, call the family. A tragedy transforms us into generators of energy and prayers. All this happens because, believe it or not, we are living in the present and responding to the ‘blows’ as they come. However, analysing logically in the above example of the patient’s death, a change comes over when the dear one passes away. The shock that strikes us stops us from living in the present.

Our minds immediately move into the past - recollecting the wonderful moments with the person. The mind also travels to the future - picturing the void that will exist with regards to the person. And, in no time, we get tears in our eyes. Sorrow is born the moment we stop living in the present and dwell in the past or future. I don’t know about the idle mind being a devil’s workshop but it sure is a time-traveller!

Let me share an incident, a bitter-sweet episode with my master and best-friend that taught me this lesson of living in the present.

A fool on April 1st?

Closely on the heels of the memorable trip to Hadshi and Mumbai, Bhagawan had agreed to bless the devotees from Delhi and Simla with His Divine visit. As is the case whenever Swami plans a trip, there was excitement among the staff and students to see who would get the Divine opportunity to accompany Him. I had got the privileged opportunity to travel along with Swami on the Hadshi trip. I was hoping to get a chance to accompany Him on this trip as well. It was the 1st of April and Swami, sitting on the dais after the darshan rounds, summoned the former vice-chancellor, Sri.S.V.Giri. Giri sir had a thick file with him which he began to show  Swami. Sitting on the steps of the main dais, I was sure that the file contained the profiles of ‘probables’, the candidates for the forthcoming Delhi-Simla trip. I could also see the photographs of a few staff and students as the papers in the file were flipped. My excitement was stirred and I began to crane my neck to see whether my profile would turn up and get selected.

I could see that I was not the only one with such thoughts and feelings. Almost everyone was eagerly waiting to see if they would be selected. As I was watching, Swami seemed to stop at one particular profile. He looked long at it and asked Giri sir about it. Covering his mouth, Giri sir said something into Swami’s ears (that was to ensure audibility over the Veda chanting going on rather than to have a secret conversation) after which Swami nodded. Swami then said something which thrilled me. I could not hear Him but I could clearly read from His lips that He asked,

“Photographer?”

Giri sir nodded. Swami also nodded. I felt a calm descend on me. I had been selected.

It just needed another 15 minutes for the calm to be shattered. Swami finished going through the file and moved into the interview room. He sent word for a few students and staff members to gather in the bhajan hall. This would be the group selected for the trip, I understood. As the different names were called out, I eagerly awaited mine to be called too. That, however, did not happen and a set of about 20-25 people walked into the bhajan hall. The pieces of my shattered calm began to prick and poke me.

“Oh My God! You are not there?”

“Did Giri sir forget to call you or was it somebody else that he discussed about with Swami? But then, who else could be ‘photographer’?”

“How wonderful the Hadshi trip was! And that was only for 6 days. This is a 10-day trip and you will be missing it...”

“Has Swami left you out on purpose? Is this a message for you?”

I had no idea about the number of thoughts that flooded me. I closed my eyes in an attempt to shut out the various scenarios that were forming before me. My external calm was in sharp contrast to the internal storm. The session concluded after the bhajans. As I was walking back, I could see the beaming faces of those that had been called in. That just made me burn from within. No, it wasn’t jealousy. Maybe, I wouldn’t have felt so bad had I not ‘heard’ Swami ask, “Photographer?”. But the fall from heights of expectations is a real hard one and that pained me.

I felt like I had been fooled by destiny on the 1st of April. I felt like a fool no doubt, but a like a fool with a hurting heart.

My heart longed to pray to Him to include me too in the list of 'probables' to Delhi-Simla. 

The ‘present’ lost in the past and future

I was feeling so bad that I decided to get up on my knees the next day during darshan and ask Swami to include me in the trip. I had never asked for anything worldly from Swami. My disappointment was such that I decided to make an exception this time. I was stopped in my foolish line of thinking by my colleague, C.G.Sai Prakash. He told me,

“Aravind, if Swami has decided not to choose you, will you impose yourself on Him like this? Won’t it be embarrassing for Him if you ask Him when He has decided not to take you?”

I was thinking, that it was easy for him to advise me that way as he was already in the select group. However, what he said was also sensible.

“I am not trying to embarrass Him. But what if there has been a mistake... It can be rectified when I bring it to His attention right?”

“Aravind! Mistake?! Hear yourself now. Do you think that the Lord makes mistakes? No. Keep a calm heart.”

How could I keep a calm heart? I was feeling so bad and left out.

“Okay, I will not get up and ask Him. But I will certainly write a letter about the same.” I concluded.

And that is exactly what I did - wrote a letter expressing my strong desire to accompany Him on the Delhi-Simla trip.

My diary entry for the 3rd of April reads like this.

In the evening, I had the letter where I had expressed my desire to accompany Him to Delhi. As He passed by me in the lines, He looked at me and kept looking at me. But then, He did not take my letter and I felt that maybe it was wrong to pressurise Him. So I put the letter back into my pocket. When He came on the stage, I made no efforts to even show the letter to Him. I sat doing bhajans with all enthusiasm. Swami looked at me once or twice and smiled. I felt  happy that He was smiling at me and I also felt that He was happy with me not trying to pressurize Him. He received Aarthi and left.

As I returned to my room, I saw the letter in my pocket. In an instant, all the joy that I was having after that beautiful darshan session was gone. My mind again travelled to the past and the future and, in no time, I was sad again. I sat brooding over what I would be missing in the future. My ‘being’ was surely being lost totally in ‘becoming’.

But these are retrospective thoughts. This wisdom did not dawn on me then and I spent the evening and night being morose. Anybody who had received what I had received that evening at darshan would be happy but not me. I was on my time-machine - reliving the past which I felt would never come to me again and visiting the future which I felt was one big void. The present, God’s gift to every person, was ‘sadly’ forgotten.

...to be concluded in next part which is at the link given below:

Accepting God's Presents and Presence

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