When selfishness disguises itself as selflessness

Selfishness is a master chameleon

There is no limit to the extents to which
selfishness can go...

It was during my summer vacations when this episode occurred in the Garden City of India, Bangalore (now called Bengaluru). More than anything else, the incident showed me how subtle are the ways of selfishness. It is a master chameleon which can disguise itself even as the noblest of feelings. It is so convincing in its act that one readily turns a blind eye to it and acknowledges it as the noble emotion or thought that it is trying to impersonate. At its subtlest best, selfishness dons the vesture of selflessness with such elan and grace that it actually elicits prayers and efforts from the victim to achieve its ignoble ends!

I was then a student in the undergraduate at the Brindavan Campus of the Sri Sathya Sai Institute of Higher Learning. Among the 3 campuses of the Institute at Brindavan, Puttaparthi and Ananthapur, the students of the Brindavan campus were the luckiest in the summer months because the Chancellor of their University, Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba, whom they lovingly called Swami, would stay at the ashram in Brindavan. And being a student of the final year undergraduate class, I would be among the special one-third of the campus to get a chance to sit in the front rows for darshan and bhajan sessions (prayer sessions). Thus, like every other final-year student, I eagerly looked forward for the summer sessions.

There is another magical thing that happened when Swami visited Brindavan - the Trayee sessions! These were times when Baba would call all the students into the large hall under His single-room residence and interact with them. (The building there is called Trayee Brindavan and hence the name for the sessions.) There would be discourses by Swami, devotional songs sung by the students, a quiz contest, a bhajan session - just about anything. Nobody could predict what would happen in a Trayee session. Swami had arrived to Brindavan and had started granting Trayee sessions after the evening bhajans on a daily basis. This was something the brought joy to everyone among the staff and students who were lucky to be called in daily.

A wonderful time

Thus began my summer on a happy note. Adding to the joy was the fact that lady-luck decided to side with me! On a continuous basis, when it came to the lines/queues going into Trayee Brindavan for the session, I always seemed to pick a token number 1 or 2. In this way, for almost 5 days in a row, I got a chance to sit in the front, very close to Swami’s jhoola (ornamental swing) during the sessions.

This was such a joyous privilege. Sitting at the Master’s feet was such an enthralling experience. Seeing Him from so close in itself gave me gooseflesh. And what should I say about the chance to massage His feet in loving Padasevanam! (Actually Swami has given an entirely new meaning of the term Padasevanam as described in another article.)

I remember one evening very vividly. I was gently massaging Swami’s calf muscles. I was being very gentle and tender in my massage. His legs felt so delicate and feminine. I was thinking, “Swami! No wonder you have Goddess Lakshmi massaging your feet in Vaikuntha (abode of Lord Vishnu). You need very delicate hands to do the massage because your legs are so delicate.”

Even as this thought crossed my mind, Swami looked at me and said,
“Massage a bit harder. Like this...”
And He showed it with His hands too. He seemed to squeeze the imaginary muscles in His hand and twist them in opposite directions, the way we do while wanting to dry a dripping towel! I was taken aback. But I did as He said, gently though. He again looked at me and told me to do it harder. Now I increased the pressure. One more look and Swami said,

“Do it harder. Have you not had any food?”

This time I thought,
“Okay Swami! You asked for it!”

I wrung His calf muscles with all the strength I could muster. I was half expecting a shriek of pain. But nothing like that happened. I looked up at Swami and He was sitting comfortably on the jhoola, seemingly enjoying the talk by a teacher that was going on. I now increased the pressure till my breaking point. My forearms began to ache with the effort. The ‘tender’ muscles of His calf were being squished into pulp I thought. The pressure was such that I would surely not have been able to bear to do it to my own ‘stronger’ calf muscles.

But Swami did not budge or flinch a bit! In fact, when my arms began to ache after 10 minutes and I reduced the pressure, He looked at me and taunted,

“Tired? Do you wish to be replaced? Massage harder...”

Who would want to lose that opportunity and be replaced? But there is a limit for my physical strength right? His Divine power, on the other hand, is limitless! I learned my lesson. Instead of thinking stupid thoughts, I continued the massaging with all my love and humility. Swami’s demands for greater pressure immediately ceased.

With Swami that is the case always - once the message is learned, the messenger instantly ceases to exist!

These were the kinds of chances and experiences that one receives during Trayee Sessions. And so, now the reader can easily imagine why it was such a beautiful time for me and all the other students as well.

The selfish gene

It is almost as if we have a selfish gene in our constitutions that awaits a chance to express itself. And it seems to succeed on quite a regular basis. One day, after a long time, my token number turned out to be the last in the queues that go into Trayee Brindavan. I was very disappointed. I just could not bear the thought of being seated so far away from the jhoola where Swami sits. I would be so far that I would not be able to even hear whatever Swami speaks. (There would be no mikes kept for Swami unless He was delivering formally, a discourse.) Who knows, I might be seated so back that unless I craned my neck, I might not be able to even see Him! My disappointment grew as we made our way into the Sai Ramesh hall for the evening darshan and bhajan session after which would be the coveted Trayee Session.

As I sat for bhajans, I recollected the beautiful days that had passed so far. Five days of physical proximity to Swami out of which I had got the chance to massage His feet on three occasions. (“And today, it would be all over” squeaked the selfish gene from one corner of my head). Swami too had continuously granted one Trayee Session after another. (“Will He not be tired? Should He not get some rest” spoke the selfish gene in my head. But this time, it had already attired itself in the costumes of nobility and concern!

“Yes, Swami needs to take a break and have some rest”, I thought, “He is continuously giving one Trayee session after another. Swami, take a break. Take some rest.”

At that time, I did not realize what extremes of selfishness I was indulging in. It was the case of me not wanting anyone else to get a wonderful evening if I would not be having it! But at that time, I felt I was being so noble and sensitive in my thoughts. Such was selfishness’ disguise and such was my foolishness, that I actually began to pray,

“Swami, there is no need for Trayee session today. You can take some rest. How much do you want to keep slogging for all of us...”

“Ay! That is selfishness”, a strong voice from my heart came up.
“How can it be?” the head questioned, “Is it selfishness to think about Swami’s comfort? You are only doing something that nobody else is doing. It is very noble.”

This kind of dialogue of the heart vs the head is a common feature for all of us. Well, the heart is known by other names as well - the voice of wisdom, conscience etc. As the head said, I was indeed doing something that nobody else was doing. And today I know that it was definitely not noble!

Since selflessness brings us all good, is not being selfless true selfishness? :)
Let us all be Self-ish in this true manner...

The veil is lifted

The ways in which the Lord works are strange. But they always have a purpose. To my delight then, on that day, Swami did not call for a Trayee Session! We were informed that there would be no session and that we could return to the hostel. My inner being rejoiced. I felt that a noble prayer is always answered - just as mine had been moments before.

Since I was part of the audio-visual team, the AVC department, in Brindavan, I went to roll the microphone wires and cables. About 8 microphones each would be used by the ladies’ and gents’ bhajan groups and we had to roll up all the cables and wind up things neatly. The storage room was backstage, within the compound wall of Swami’s Trayee Brindavan. As I entered the AVC room to stow away the microphones, I noticed some movement at the Trayee Brindavan entrance door.

Soon, I came to know that a mistake had apparently been made. A wrong communication had been passed and all the boys had been sent away to the hostel. A hurried message was now being despatched to the hostel to summon all the boys.

The veil that selfishness had donned till now and its camouflage as nobility came down in an instant.

I found myself praying,

“Swami, please let there be a Trayee session and let the door open right away. That way, I can get in before the other boys and sit right at your lotus feet.”

“Selfish!” screamed my heart

“Don’t think all that. Just try to get a good spot...” my head retorted.

In an instant I understood how selfish I had been. The nobility of wanting Swami to rest had all disappeared the moment I had a chance to be seated in the front! Ah! How well you disguise yourself Oh selfishness! I felt very ashamed of my thoughts. Adding to my guilt pangs was the fact that the door opened immediately. The boys had not yet arrived. On instinct, I began running and soon found myself seated right in front of the jhoola. In a few moments the other boys arrived.

Remorse

As I sat there, the happenings of the whole evening flashed within my being. I was feeling very ashamed and guilty. I thought that it was my selfish prayer that deprived some other student of the wonderful chance to sit in front. Guilt was almost killing me from within. I was shedding tears.

The inner door opened and Swami walked into the hall. He came and sat on the jhoola. I could bear it no longer. In my heart, I screamed out to Swami,

“Swami! I am sorry. I have been very selfish. And I had the cheek to call it nobility. I shall never pray like this again. In fact, I shall never pray for anything because you always know best. Who am I to assume that I know better that the Lord? From now on, my prayers will always be for the whole world to be happy and for my the love in my heart to grow. Forgive me Swami. I am feeling ashamed. I was selfish and you have rewarded it? How magnanimous are you! I am ashamed of myself. I am sorry”

"Once the message is learned, the messenger ceases to exist." (Swami is seen here smiling as He sits on the jhoola in Trayee Brindavan)

Tears kept flowing and I kept my head bent low. I was looking at His feet only. I did not feel like even touching them. Such was the disgust I was feeling at my selfishness. Once my tears dried, I looked up at Him. The loving Swami flashed a gentle and beautiful smile. In an instant, I knew that He knew everything. And He had forgiven me completely.

“Once the message is learned, the messenger instantly ceases to exist.”

My guilt was gone and so was my remorse. I began to massage His feet. I resolved to be consciously aware of the chameleon - selfishness.

The next day, I was again in the last row. I felt so happy in my heart. I felt very light. I prayed,
“Thank you for everything Swami.” Nothing else came from me.

That day, I sat in the last rows in Trayee. But I was happy - happy for the students in front who were getting a wonderful chance. And that genuinely made me so happy! I realized the power of selflessness. Selfishness depended on me getting the front rows to make me happy. Selflessness kept me happy irrespective of what happened!

“I was selfless and you have rewarded me so much greater”, I prayed to Swami, “for you have rewarded me with such pure happiness in my heart - a happiness that nothing or nobody can take away!”

Seeing the big picture: Intent matters more than content

Bhavapriya...

Going through the chronicles of the Lord, we come across one very significant statement where Swami (Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba) says,
“The Lord is Bhaavapriya (lover of feeling) and not Baahyapriya (lover of external show)”.
God is concerned only with the feeling and intention.

Going through the chronicles of the Lord, we come across one very significant statement where Swami (Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba) says,
“The Lord is Bhaavapriya (lover of feeling) and not Baahyapriya (lover of external show)”.
God is concerned only with the feeling and intention. 

The traditional Indian dance form - Bharatanatyam - also emphasizes on the
importance of the Bhaava or feelings/intent.

A corollary of that statement, therefore, is that the pining which a devotee has for the Lord is the most important. In fact, on one occasion when a student asked Swami,
“Swami, how does one know that one is the recipient of God’s Grace?”, Swami replied,

“When one is able to think of God and feel God (pine for and seek God) without actually making efforts, know that he/she is the recipient of God’s Grace.”

Swami never said that the one with whom He speaks the most or the one who has received the maximum number of interviews is the blessed recipient. Nor did He speak of the ‘blessed one’ in terms of how ‘close’ he/she was to Him. He always emphasizes ‘dearness’ to God over ‘nearness’ to God.

An unexplained mystery - 2004

Now let me come to the special episode of SMSK. SMSK was a silent guy - one year my junior. He used to study well, play well and keep a smiling face always. He was well built but very gentle by nature - truly a gentle giant. The year was 2004. It was a period when Swami (Sathya Sai Baba) was giving us students several chances and opportunities to put up programmes in His divine presence. These programmes were an opportunity no doubt, but the Master used them to teach lessons for life. The focus of this narrative is one particular programme that we planned in which there was the story of King Parikshit.

For those that are not acquainted with King Parikshit’s story, here is a short summary of the story.

Parikshit was the grandson of the mighty Pandavas and he began to rule the kingdom after his grand-uncles gave up everything in the quest of God. One day, when Parikshit had gone hunting, he lost his way. Tired and thirsty, he approached a hermitage where he saw the sage Shamika in meditation. All his pleas for water fell on deaf ears as the sage was lost to this world. In irritation, Parikshit picked up a dead snake nearby, placed it on the sage’s neck and moved on. The sage’s son, Shrungi, was furious when he saw a snake on his father’s neck and uttered a curse,

“He that has done this despicable act shall die of a snake-bite seven days from this day.”
The power of the words of a pure soul are such that they come true. Swami says that one who leads life always immersed in Truth is blessed by Truth in such a manner that all that he/she says will become the Truth! 

Parikshit came to know of the curse and spent his last seven days on earth listening to the glories of the Lord. These stories have today come to constitute the eternal Srimad Bhagavatha Purana.

An artist's depiction of a thirsty King Parikshit putting a snake
around the neck of sage Shamika in meditation.

SMSK had to play the role of the thirsty Parikshit who places the snake around the neck of the sage. The part was quite simple - he had to come clenching his neck, cry thirsty, place the snake and move out of the scene. It was a 30-35 seconds piece. But during the practise session in the evening, however hard he tried, he did not look one bit convincing in his acting. The ‘directors’ were slowly getting irritated that he was not able to do even a simple role. Little did they know that The Director had other plans! They tried to teach him, correct him and even play out the role for him to observe and learn. But it was to no avail. After a lot of efforts, SMSK was told to rest for the night and try again the next day.

The next day also happened to be the D-day. And so, the decision was, in case he is not able to do it in the morning, he would be replaced.

A chance to act before Swami is such a blessed opportunity. Greater than the joy of getting one such chance is the sorrow of losing the same after having got it.

Everyone thought that it was this fear of losing a golden opportunity that made SMSK put up a better performance in the morning. When he walked in as the thirsty Parikshit, he at least looked thirsty and his pleas for water were a bit convincing! And so, he retained his 30-seconds role.

The evening came and much to the joy of the students, Swami allowed them to put up the programme. I was watching the programme and then came the skit where SMSK had to do his role. In walked King Parikshit and he really looked thirsty. As he cried out for water, one almost felt like rushing to him with a glass. Everyone in the audience were moved but not the sage. And so, Parikshit put a snake on his neck and moved on. There was no applause or even the semblance of clapping as the programme moved ahead to more serious topics. However, as far as the directors were concerned, SMSK had pulled off a fairly decent job. SMSK was soon forgotten as the other stalwart actors put up a sterling performance. The programme concluded with a rousing applause in the Sai Kulwant hall that had at least 10,000 people seated with Swami.

All the students came together for a group formation when Swami rose from His chair. He called, can you believe it, for SMSK! The gentle giant hurried towards Swami when Swami waved His hand and created an emerald ring. He put it on SMSK’s finger and said in joy, “Ah! Perfect fit!” SMSK got a private photograph of that special moment too.

I was lost in thoughts. SMSK had done well no doubt, but he was not the one who stole the show. Then, how come he was stealing the show now? There were many others who had performed far better than him and they were now standing in a line, watching SMSK get blessed profusely by Swami. I wondered at the rationale of Divine justice that was being meted out here.

It is very obvious now. I was not able to see the big picture! I was like the ignorant geniuses of the 2D world who could not understand the Elephant Theory.

Before I get into a digression, let me complete SMSK’s story.

In the night, I met him by the water cooler. I congratulated him and asked what was the secret behind his performance.

“I felt bad that I was not able to do a small role. I wanted to make Swami happy. So, from yesterday evening till today evening, I did not take in a drop of water. I was really thirsty and my pleas on stage were really the cries of my body.”

I was stunned! I was convinced that I had no idea of the big picture. I mentally saluted SMSK as I watched him gulp down mouthfuls of water.

And now, it would be perfectly in place to quote the story of Sri Krishnamurthy, a clerk of the erstwhile state of Mysore in India. This episode has been recorded in the Part 1 of Satyam Shivam Sundaram, the biography of Bhagawan Sri Sathya Sai Baba.

The experience of Krishnamurthy - 1942

Krishnamurthy was a Civil Service clerk at the Mysore Secretariat. Swami was just 17 years old then and His dress was a white half-arm shirt on top and a dhoti cloth around His waist! Krishnamurthy was one of the early devotees of Swami in a setting where not many believed in His divinity. In fact, he used to literally hound Swami telling Him,

"I know you are God; show me Your real Form!"

When all attempts to evade him resulted in failure, Swami gave him a picture of Shirdi Sai Baba which He materialized on the spot, and directed him to meditate on that.
"Be looking at that picture", He told him and left the house to give darshan to some other devotees at their homes. Swami used to give darshan at homes then! (What lovely days!)

Swami returned at about 12 in the noon. Even as He crossed the threshold, Krishnamurthy let out a huge cry of joy and fainted in the inner room! He had not even seen Swami.When he came to consciousness, he was shivering, shaking and breathing heavily. And he refused to open his eyes. He kept pursuing Swami from room to room, sniffing Him out (!), asking
"Please! Let me touch Your Feet!"

Those were the days when almost everyone who came to Swami was blessed with several interviews. However, when it came to Krishnamurthy, Swami never granted him his wish. Krishnamurthy too, on his part, was stubborn and refused to open his eyes till he could set them upon Swami's lotus feet. When this continued for days, some other devotees interceded with Swami on Krishnamurthy's behalf. Swami reply was simple and firm,

"If he sees my feet, he will pass away, unable to bear the surge of that experience."

The young Sri Sathya Sai

The pining of the river to merge into the sea...

And then, Swami gave him vibhuti and sent him home, still not revealing His feet to him.

Though he was sent back home, Krishnamurthy was simply not able to contain himself. With his eyes still closed, he sniffed his way to the Civil Services bungalow where Swami was staying. He walked all around the compound of the house, knocking and banging on almost every door and window. When Swami did not seem to relent, he even gave up eating and drinking.

Devotees began to get worried and they took Krishnamurthy to the hospital. They felt he needed physical and mental treatment. But now, Swami sent some water for him, partaking which he regained all energy and returned home. He had still not opened his eyes! He asked everyone to sing bhajans. God alone knows what he experienced during the bhajans but after ther, he simply lay down with a smile on his face, never to rise again! He had touched the Feet of the Lord; the river had found the Sea. What a highly evolved soul to deserve that indescribable Bliss!

My Story?

Whenever I read this story, I think of the hundreds of times that I have touched His feet! I seem nowhere close to being the river that has found the sea! And that reinforces in me the Truth that pining for the Lord and seeking Him in all intensity is a blessing far greater than the ‘chances’ that He bestows. In fact, each ‘chance’ bestowed is to kindle that irrepressible thirst for Him.